Let's be clear here...

...the following post in no way reflects things I feel MUST be done in order for Christmas to occur.  It reflects things I WANT to do.  I like making things for the holidays, and Toast's birthday (next week), and I have some wonderful plans...but it doesn't change the fact that things are starting to pile up on me.  Witness my to-do list:
1.  I have two knitting projects left for gifts.  One is half done, the other not started.  Both will only take a few hours to finish. 
2.  I'm making favors for Toast's birthday celebrations/gifts for his buddies...and they are cute.  But I"m making TEN of them.  I'll be posting a picture soon of what I"m making.  I think it's safe to say his friends dont' read the blog.
3.  Banner for Toast's birthday celebrations.  It's half done.  I'm cutting parts out on the Cricut, which means I can't do it during naptime, unless I move the whole operation out of the craftroom and downstairs.  That makes it a little interesting...crafting with an awake two year old.
4.  Cupcakes for Sunday/Tuesday (birthday)
5.  Small homemade gifties for our friends (mine and Hubby's).  Hubby will help with this.  Chocolate is a component, which makes the shopping tricky.  Can't buy the chocolate until I'm ready to bake, or it will be eaten.  I'm just being honest here.
6.  Christmas cards.  They're made, printed, just need to be addressed and sent.  I'm sure that I CAN print labels for the envelopes, but figuring it out will be harder than just writing them, right?  Maybe Hubby can do this.  And then there's all the addresses that arent' in the computer and must be added....the address thing is the reason I hate Christmas cards.  HATE. 
7.  And when all this is done...when next week is over...we can put up the decorations and relax. 

I love how some people think handmade holidays are so much simpler....away from the hustle and bustle, the malls.  Lies, I tell you, all lies. 

recap

Just a moment to rethink the past month...NaBloPoMo, which I undertook again...trying to get back in the habit of writing, out of my rut...how did that go? 

I'm not going to say that trying to post every day made everything in my life better.  There are still things I've written about this month that I'm struggling with.  If I said anything different, I would expect you all to aim fire extinguishers at my pants.  It does feel good, though, to be writing again.  I get stuck in this blogging rut where I'm thinking "I can't write about that...my dad reads this!" and pretty soon, that applies to everything I want to write about...even the most benign of topics.  Then I stop writing.  Then I feel guilty, then my head explodes. 

It's messy.

Getting back in the habit of blogging more often helps me work things out.  Helps me think about where I'm going and what I'm doing.  Helps me remember to write...that it's theraputic, healthy, and keeps life interesting.  I thank those of you who told me this month that you were glad my blog was back...it makes me feel good.  I guess I"ll keep writing now.  :)

Oh, wow

Okay, so I have to say that one of the great joys in life, if you're a cook, is good stock.  I mean good beef, chicken or veggie stock that you make yourself.  It's like liquid gold.  I think I make pretty good stock...and I always have some in the freezer...I use it for everything. 

After Thanksgiving, and after we eat a roasted chicken, I love to make pot pie.  My mom always made it, and it's one of the great comfort foods to me...warm, rich and yummy.  And biscuits!  Who doesn't love biscuits? 

I've been fooling around trying to find the perfect recipe for Turkey pot pie...the kind made from leftover turkey from Thanksgiving....using the stock that you make the day after.  Today I tried the Pioneer Woman's recipe and I have to say...it's like cooking perfection.  It's warm, it has a good thick gravy, and it tastes perfect: nothing fancy...no weird chipotle gravy or anything else.  Just a good, sturdy pot pie-type stew.   Do yourself a favor and make it today...make a lot of it....we just ate ourselves silly!

Thanksgiving Twenty

I read this on a blog this morning, and it seemed like a good way to get my blog post in today.  The turkey is on and cooking, and we're finishing up the cleaning.  Happy gobble, everyone. 

Do you cook all or part of the meal?

Depends on the year, this one's mine.  I cook half the meal, and everyone brings something. 

 

How much do you spend buying groceries for the meal?

Usually it matters to me what we spend in a week on Groceries.  For Thanksgiving, I don't care.

 

Do you eat at home or go to someone else's?

Every year or two we switch off with my Mother in Law.....She had two years in a row though, so this is my second year in a row.

 

Describe your perfect bite?
STUFFING.  Oh Lord I love stuffing.

White meat or dark?
dark

Stuffing with giblets or without?

Without

 

Anything you won't eat at the Thanksgiving meal?
Are you kidding me?  No.  I eat everything.  It's the one day of the year I eat everything.

Carve Mr. Gobble at the table or serve on a platter?
Platter

Favorite pie?
Apple! 

Formal table or Chinet?

I always use the china...I love using the china.  And cloth napkins.  And place cards.  I love a formal table.  

 

Your menu?

Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn casserole, beans canned from this summer, rolls from Great Harvest Bread company (yum!), salad, maybe brussels sprouts if I remember to make them.  :)  And Pie.  Always pie.  

 

Favorite leftover?
Stuffing!!!!!!!

Extended family, friends, both or just immediate family for dinner?
It depends on the year, but we have both sets of parents and whatever sisters are in town every year, regardless of where we are.  Our families do thanksgiving together.

After dinner, do you go to the latest movie or football on TV?

Movies!

 

Do you watch the Macy's parade?

In Detroit?  Are you kidding me?  No.  We ALWAYS watch the Detroit parade.  :)

 

Christmas decorations up before or after?

I used to do it the day after, but I made a vow when Toast was born that I would NOT let holidays intrude on his birthday; so now we wait until after his Birthday on Dec. 8.

 

Black Friday shopping or sleep in?

HAHAHAHAHA.  I always say I wouldn't be caught dead at a store on Black Friday....but you know what we do?  We go OUTLET SHOPPING!!!!!.  So completely crazy.  Then we go here to buy Toast his ornament and take in the sights.

 

Any special Thanksgiving tradition?

My dad always goes to the Lion's game.  Always.  The first year I did a full Thanksgiving in our first real house, he skipped it....that taught me that people are sometimes more important than tradition.  
That being said, I am really proud to report that every year our turkey is walking on Tuesday and on the table Wednesday.   

 

Favorite thing about Thanksgiving?

I love having all of our family around.....we're all crammed in like sardines at dinner and we have a great time!

 

Favorite Thanksgiving memory?

So many....there isn't one that really sticks out.  I remember marching in the parade one year with my dog and my 4-H club.  My dog chose the middle of Woodward, right in front of the judge's stand to take a dump.  I wished the street would swallow me up.  Good memory?  I love making new traditions at Thanksgiving now that I'm married with kids.  We always celebrated Thanksgiving when I was young, but it wasn't a huge deal in my family the way it is in some.  I like to make our own day. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

the countdown

It's begun...the bird is brining, the corn casserole is already done....the stuffing has begun (all chopped)... we eat so differently on Thanksgiving than on any other day of the year....but I look forward to tasty dishes and a little "cheating" as the time gets closer. 
So tired...so much still to do. 

hee hee

Just found out that the Muppets have a whole lot of new stuff on YouTube, and it's pretty quality too.  Check it out here. 

Consider me ruffled

I guess it was bound to happen.  We get more connected via Facebook and Twitter, and we are exposed to a greater number of opinions. 

I don't need to agree with everything all of my friends and acquaintences think....what a boring life.  But is it so wrong of me to think that people should actually KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT before they go shooting their mouths off?

I have seen several posts on Facebook over the past couple of days, all by friends who do not care for the President or his policies, blaming him for the new recommendation that women not get mammograms until they are fifty. 

Okay, so I don't like this new decision regarding women's health either.  It's a post for another time, but I think it's crazy.  But I just wish people would do their homework, figure out who to blame, THEN launch into their tirade....not blame it on a president they already don't like, just because they can.  

Like the President....don't like him.  That's your right as a citizen; but for the love of God don't make yourself look ignorant by not doing your homework. 

A few things

I'm pretty sure that you haven't noticed....edit....I'm pretty much hoping you haven't noticed...that I signed on for this whole NABLOPOMO thing again this year and I've missed a whopping four days in a row.  It goes like this...sometime in October, our entire household came down with the piggy plague and ever since then I've done nothing but contract illnesses....small ones, large ones.  I've been sick for a month.  This past week I battled my third sinus infection and finally called the doctor after moaning on the couch all day Thursday.  (This is fun with a two year old...try it!).  Anyway....blogging fell to "low" on the priority list...even with the whole "but you PROMISED" thing hanging over my head.  I'm over it. 

A few thoughts about today:
-Started and completed several items off the "make felt food for Toast" project for Christmas.  Felt food is just as addictive and cute as I thought it would be.  Pictures tomorrow. 
-We took a trip to IKEA today, where we spent approximately $60 on things that all cost 2.99 each and have unpronounceable names with lots of Umlauts.  I've written about this phenomenon before.  Yes, they still have tasty, tasty buns.  Damn them.
-Since I've been sick for four days my house looks like a bomb went off.  I have 10 people coming over for dead bird in three days.  Oh lord. 

Regular blogging now in full force.  

Right now

Right now we're trying to figure out how to finagle purchasing two tickets to see U2 at the Breslin Center next June.  Spartans get a presale starting tomorrow!!!!
Today:
*  Toast received his H1N1 vaccine
*  Toast ALSO got a piece of candy after said vaccine.  I told him he could have the candy after lunch.   The next hour, before lunch, was spent repeating "after lunch" every thirty seconds, after  "candy please".
*  I made our Christmas cards
*  I ordered a Christmas present online
*  I ordered envelopes for our cards online
*  I cleaned the kitchen
*  I made dinner.

Sometimes it's more of the same, but at the end of the day I always feel like I accomplished something.  

Handy?

In case you haven't heard, there are a lot of people out there that are taking the Handmade Holidays pledge...that is, they are vowing to make gifts, or support others by purchasing handmade gifts from local crafters, Etsy, and other small businesses that rely on making and selling. I'm not going to be making ALL my holiday gifts this year, but I'm doing quite a few...and I have a few side projects as well. The difference between this year and last year is that I"m actually doing pretty well on checking things off my to-do list....instead of furiously working until the last minute and crossing things off because there is NO WAY I'll ever get to them.

Cases in point: hat, mittens for adorable niece: done. Hat, mittens for adorable nephew: done. Hat, mittens for another adorable family member: DONE! (I'm on a roll, I can feel it). December Daily scrapbook: completed and waiting for December (more on this in an upcoming post). Home made lemon vodka: brewing. I still have to make some felt food for Toast (he's getting a kitchen for Christmas and a bunch of felt food to cook in it).

There is still Christmas cooking to be done, which will be a baking and assembling project for our friends....Hubby and I will work on this together in early to mid December. There are holiday cards to make (I'm making them on the computer and sending them to be developed as 4x6 pictures....) that has to be done soon. I hear naptime tomorrow calling that project's number. There are treat bags for Toast's birthday festivities. There is the possibility of another knitting project; a hat/mitten/scarf set for another family member...it all depends on time and right now time is good!

I'm not halfway done, but some large and time-consuming projects have taken shape in a way that makes me happy. That counts for a lot!

Maybe that crafty mojo isn't gone after all. :)

What I did today

This weekend was devoted to figuring out what we'll do to celebrate Toast's second birthday. With the size of our house (small-ish) the number of people we want to help us celebrate (large-ish), and the areas they live in (spread-out-ish), it's a little tricky to figure out this birthday thing. Reason number 43 to have a child in the spring or summer: outdoor birthday parties! Plan accordingly!

So we're having a variety of celebrations, ranging from Toast's favorite dinner at home with Hubby and I on his actual birthday, to a big family celebration at my Mom's house, which is ostensibly for Toast, but also for the other December birthdays. There are a few cousins who LOVE to get mail, LOVE Toast, and still love a good party....so I decided to send them each invitations (even though we had already done the family phone tree invite to all the parents). In addition to them, we are inviting a few of Toast's friends from the neighborhood over for cake. Some invitations were in order!

Here's what I came up with:



I downloaded a digital scrapbook kit from Designer Digitals (www.designerdigitals.com) called "Men at Work" and all the artwork is from that. The cards and envelopes are all purpose single sided cards with matching envelopes that I buy in bulk at Target. I use these for EVERYTHING, and they are great.
I'm feeling a bit smug about my skills today.

Oh how we age

So I'm going out to dinner tonight with my girls. Last week we decided we would do dinner and a movie, but then decided to do dinner at seven...I figured a movie was out because...well, who wants to see a movie that late?

I'm so old and lame.

We're going to a ten pm show...let's hope I don't snore before the closing credits.

Reasons why

Not like I need reasons, but here's an example of why I love my kid so darn much. He snuggles up to me, on the couch and launches into "HI MOMMA HI!" which he repeats about ten times in succession. I laugh and say "hi" and "I love you". He looks right at me with those adorable blue eyes and says "I missed you too, mama".
Who cares if he gets it mixed up (he's been with me all day every day)...it's just cute.

More thinking

...a continuation from yesterday.
"Where are you going?"

THIS. This is a question I'm struggling with right now.

I started college thinking I wanted to be a Veterinarian. I thought I had it figured out...I had spent time around animals, I had worked at an animal hospital in High School...I really thought I was going in with my eyes open. At the end of my Freshman year, I decided that being a Vet was not going to be for me. To this day, I have no idea why I made that choice.

I explored a lot of other things. I knew I wanted to stay in the Sciences, but didn't know what that meant. Thought about Forestry and Natural Resources really hard. In the end, I majored in Biology, minored in Chemistry and History, and went into Teaching.

Now, I'm not going to tell you that the very first day I walked into a classroom I knew it was for me, but that was very close to what happened. I fell in love with teaching...I really really enjoyed it. I was lucky enough to get a job right out of school, and spent the next nine years loving every second of my job.

Once I got married, though, things started to feel strange. I still loved it, and I think I was pretty good at it...but the work, the constant paperwork, the long hours, the fact that there is ALWAYS more to do and NEVER enough time to do it...that really started to get to me.

I realize now that I am home that I would never have been able to be the teacher I wanted to be (the teacher I was) and the mom I want to be had I kept teaching. It makes me a little sad, but it's true. The question I am asking myself is this: will it always be true? I plan to go back to work when Toast starts Kindergarten, and I worry about that time commitment. I am excited by other options, I am seeing that although I love teaching, it might not always be my only love.

Does it make me a failure if I change my career in the middle of the stream? What does it mean when you are 36 and you still don't know what to do? I have always looked with distain on people who never "figure it out"...people who go from one thing to another like bees in a flower garden. Now I kind of wonder if I'm missing something by not allowing myself to look at the world that way.

My parents (and their parents) did what most people in those generations did: they got a job, and worked at it, then retired. I know that this is often not the way things go now, but it still doesn't feel like the responsible, adult thing to do to be reconsidering my career options now that I have a family. Aren't I supposed to be settling down and working, saving, getting to retirement?

Won't I get there anyway?

This has been on my mind a lot lately, often to the exclusion of other things. Hubby and I have had a few discussions about it, but not nearly the length and breadth of discussion that would be involved if I decided to pursue something else. It's something I'm still figuring out, and talking about it makes me, well, a little scared.

I don't want to do anything that makes me feel like I'm missing out on what I could experience. Sometimes that thought seems so immature, though. I struggle with this process, these thoughts.

A thinking prompt

“The simplest questions are the most profound.

Where were you born?
Where is your home?
Where are you going?
What are you doing?

Think about these once in a while and watch your answers change.”

-Richard Bach

I stumbled across this little prompt on a Blog I read, and it seemed perfect...I've been thinking about these things lately as well.

Specifically, I've been thinking about how I DOCUMENT things in my life like change, home, family, goals, and the past. I always think about these things as the seasons change, but it seems that this year the topic is especially fresh. I think that I have reached the stage in my grief for Tiny Man that I've started to really assess how he changed my life and how I live it.

I'm thinking about the change of seasons and how much HOME has come to mean to me. When I was "coming up" I never in a million years thought that I would be a homemaker. My mom did it all, raised us, worked, she and my dad built a house together, and she did such a good job. (Because he's reading...yeah, dad, you are great too, but not so much a female roll model, eh?) Anyway, I always thought I would do the same. I would work, raise kids, make a home. One of the first things I realized after making the decision to stay home with Tiny Man is that I would NEVER have been able to do it all. Some people can, and they do a marvelous job. It's just not in me. Part of it is the job, teaching, it is very demanding. Raising kids, obviously, is also very demanding. For the first time in my life I am starting to understand what it means to prioritize the big things, and realize what the big things are.

There are some cliche'd examples of recognizing the "big things" in our lives. My favorite has always been the idea of rocks in a jar....if you have several rocks to put in a jar, put the big ones in first, they determine what else will fit...then move on to the smaller rocks (which fit in between the larger ones) and the sand to fill in the cracks. When we're younger we hear things like this and it never sinks in...part of that whole "invincible" thing, I guess.

What I've realized is that for me, success in life means not doing everything, but doing the things that I choose to do really really well. To me, that means that I can't do too much at one time.

I still struggle with the decision to leave work and stay at home. There are days I question if what I'm doing matters. But when I get a glimpse of what really makes me happy, what really makes me tick, I see that this choice is the only one that makes sense for me.

"helpful"

Took a quick trip to Michael's today to get some Christmas scrapbook supplies. As if I don't have enough scrapbook supplies.

Anyway.

The plan was for me to do Michael's with Toast, and for Hubby to go to Home Depot (known as "Home Despot" in our house)...Hubby actually needed to do some investigating and asking for help at the Despot, which is better accomplished without a Toast in tow.

So there I am, in Michael's...Toast has started a constant whine which is neverending, unceasing, and interspersed with some verbiage that I'm still not clear about, meaning wise. It goes something like this.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh mamamamamamamama pODGHKCgpoingdkagnoeb;achklsek eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That one last nerve that gets me to Saturday? Yeah, it's slowly PING-ing away, like a rope breaking all it's fibers in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

We checkout, and since most stores think that you need ten receipts (one receipt that is approximately 10 meters long, accompanied by three coupons, two advertisements, four circulars, and assorted partridges in pear trees), I'm attempting to stuff all that paper in my wallet. There is, of course, a line. And out of one ear all I can hear is this:

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh mamamamamamamama pODGHKCgpoingdkagnoeb;achklsek eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

....droning on at the approximate volume and key of a lawn mower heard from three streets away at seven in the morning on a sunday after a long night.

Not that I know what that sounds like.

So my bag is sitting on the counter, waiting for me to grab it. And I haven't gone anywhere (because I'm still stuffing). The gentleman behind me picks up my bag, nudges my elbow, and stands there with it in his hand.

The bag is now at the same level and station it was before, only having been moved about one food to the left and held by an actual human hand. The human hand sends a message: PICK UP YOUR BAG, LADY, AND GET OUT OF THE WAY SO MY WIFE CAN CHECK OUT.

I look at the man, and trying to be nice (didn't he notice the flames shooting out of my ears?), I say to him "thank you, I'll get that in a moment"

"I'm just trying to be helpful!" he says.

I take a deep breath, and all I say is thank you. Sometimes I don't have enough patience for my son and the rest of the world. This is one of those times. I've found it's better, in situations like this, just to say thank you and not read any further into the situation.

But really, if this ever happens to you...if you are that man? PICKING UP THE BAG DOES NOT HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reminders

Sometimes things happen, I'm reminded of things, that make me understand how Tiny Man touched so many many people. I had a moment like that today.

It helps someone dealing with Grief to know that they are not alone...but we all know that it sounds false, empty and...well...lame when we start to talk about loss to those who are grieving. So find something meaningful...tell that person how their loved one affected you. Do something real. Make it matter.

They won't be able to express how thankful they are, but they will be. And when the bad days hit, it WILL make them remember that they aren't alone.

sharing

So a few months ago I got a letter from our Pediatric Hospice...the one that helped us take care of Tiny Man. They are starting (have started) an outreach program to explain what they do to the medical professionals, parents, and community that the come in contact with.

See, when you say someone is "with Hospice" or "on Hospice"...no one really knows what that means. I think that most of us understand that it means someone is dying. Does that mean that Hospice helps them? Cares for them? What if it's a family that doesn't have anyone else? What if it's a family that has...well...everyone they could possibly need?

I made a scrapbook about our journey with Hospice, and I wanted to share it here; mostly because it's something I'm very proud of (I think people who know me are sick of seeing and hearing about it). You can see the actual pages on my Flickr page starting here. The pages uploaded backwards, so the first page of the scrapbook appears last.....

So here is the journaling that explains what Hospice did for us:

______

Our son ** was diagnosed in-utero with Down syndrome and two cardiac defects. While the heart defects were not rare alone, they had been seen together less than twenty times. We spent the months leading up to his birth preparing for a high-risk delivery at Hutzel Hospital, and possible surgery after his birth.

After B was born we found out that he actually had three cardiac defects: a Truncus Arteriosis type I, Coarctation of the Aorta, and Complete AV Canal defect. In addition to this, his heart was slightly smaller in some areas, making fixing the defects a very tricky call indeed.

After discussing the options for surgery, and finding that B had very little chance of making it through surgery, much less living with a good quality of life afterwards; and finding that surgery would not guarantee a significantly longer life, we decided to enroll B in a pediatric hospice program, take him home, and live whatever time he had to it’s fullest extent.

Meeting with Hospice, planning for an end, is not what new parents expect. We didn’t even know what hospice was.

Hospice, as we found out, is family. They care for their patients medically, but it is so much more than that.

Illness, sickness, surprise, death, surgery, defect. These are the words new parents do not want to hear. Should never hear.

Hospice brought us normalcy. They emphasized that we had control. We had B. They did not dwell on fear, pain, suffering or the very real eventuality of B’s death. They encouraged us to live with our son, and to love him. They helped us bond with him in a very normal fashion.

We had power that had been taken from us when B was born “sick”. We were taught how to marvel at the little things new parents do, and forget the nightmare.

Doctors told us our son might, with luck, live two weeks.

Two weeks.

Together with Hospice, we knew B’s health was taken care of, and we were able to build memories of our son without being afraid; without being reminded of what was ahead.

But then we learned that B had other plans for his life and the people in it.
After two weeks had passed, B was just being B…living.
After three weeks, he was still here.

At one month, his doctor told us he was stable, static, and nothing had changed

At three months, we had him evaluated by Early On in our School System.

At seven months, he started physical and occupational therapy.

Two days before his first birthday, a birthday Ben was never supposed to see, he was discharged from hospice.

Then the fun began

B LIVED.


We took him birding, camping, hiking. He was showered with love. He met his entire family at family reunions. He went to school. He flirted with girls. He received therapy to help with the effects of his Down syndrome. He attended Christmas parties, weddings, funerals for friends, picnics. He went Trick or Treating. Twice.

In short…life was NORMAL.

Hospice gave us that gift.

We could have been afraid to do any of these things. We could have stayed in our house, worried that B would get sick. Worried that he was too frail.

Instead, we were taught that it was okay to be normal. B taught us to be brave, and strong, and to love the world and people in it; even in the face of enormous uncertainty.
On December 8, 2007 we welcomed B’s brother T into the world.
After T’s birth, B contracted one respiratory illness after another.
On February 20, after yet another visit to the pediatrician to deal with yet another runny, sneezy, sniffly day, we were told that B was in Organ failure.

Hospice was called on the way home, and they were at our house in less than two hours.

It was like they picked right back up; like they had never left.

We said goodbye to B less than 24 hours later, on Valentine’s day 2008. It was exactly one week before his second birthday.

In the hours, days, and weeks that followed, Hospice helped us with every last detail, from the nightmare of notifying the police of a death in our home, to planning the funeral, to walking back into an empty house.

They still visit with us occasionally, as we learn to navigate life without one of our guiding stars.

B’s life could have been full of
Anger
Blame
Argument
Uncertainty
Misunderstanding
Hospitals
Surgeries
Sterility
Sadness
Fear
Low expectations

Instead, B lived a life of
Nature
Home
Laughter
Love
Family
Friends
Learning
Playdates
Adventure
Certainty
And Miracles

Our whole family owes a debt to Walk With Me. They gave us the power to LIVE with our son, not wait for his death. In addition, that life was one of dignity.

So was B’s death.

Grief is never an experience one “gets over”, but when a parent loses a child, that grief is so very different, so much darker and more painful.

B has been gone a year and a half, and sometimes we behave as if he’s still here. Walk With Me gets that. They understand. Other people in our life, though filled with compassion, will never understand.

Hospice is like family. We would never have the many memories we have without them and what they did for us. We would not have been able to lift ourselves out of the initial bad news and bad scenario without them.

Thank you will never be enough.

______



If I could hug our hospice every day for the rest of my life, it is a task that I would happily undertake. Those people are angels, and they work magic. I owe our comfort and sanity, and the many memories we were able to make with our son to them.

So next time you hear about someone being taken home and put on Hospice, please know that they are living; and yes, dying, with dignity, respect, love, and family. They are the lucky ones who will not know fear of death.

We should all be so lucky.

Responsibilities

Something odd and heartbreaking happened in our house about a month ago...

Years ago, I was "not living" with a boyfriend (yes, that means what you think it does....but that's another story) and we acquired a cat. "We" being a very loose term meaning I didn't want one and he did and it lived at my apartment and then moved with me and became mine. So for the past thirteen years I've had this cat. He saw me through some really tough times...my first real job, tailspin of depression as I learned to adjust to life and work and being on my own. The demise of relationship with abovementioned boyfriend.

When we had Tiny Man, we had some issues with the cat....it was to be expected. Someone coming in on his turf and all. There was some peeing. There was some crankiness. Ultimately we wound up spending a little more time with him and it solved the problem.

The past two years have been tough, though. Tas (the cat) got older, slower, and a little more antisocial. Toast came into our lives. Tiny Man went out of our lives. Then the inappropriate peeing began, and I started to slowly lose my mind.

We tried everything. We cleaned, we spent more time with him. We changed his diet. One day he actually peed ON hubby (you can laugh...we're at a point where we can laugh about it now). In short, it got ugly. We took him to the vet to find out that there was nothing "wrong" with him, it was all behavioral. We blocked off areas....then the new areas, then more areas. We put him on Valium.

Nothing worked.

In the end, yes, we had him put down. The issue here is not that I believe it wasn't necessary (it was), or that he didn't have a good life (he did, and was 16 when we made this decision). It's the immense guilt I feel over making the decision, knowing that he was still functional, moving, eating, living. His life became my choice. I feel as if I turned into one of those people who rushes to get a pet as they get married, then the kid comes and WHOOPS...that pet was a bad idea after all, lets get rid of it. People who do not understand the consequences of adopting a pet really REALLY bother me.

On the other hand, the fact that he was using our house as a litterbox tells me that something wasn't quite right after all. It is also immensely unsanitary for Toast to be playing around all this. So while I know the decision was the right one, it doesn't change the fact that the guilt persists.

I'm not late, you are

We're going to pretend that, instead of 9:11 on a Wednesday, it's actually still Tuesday. That way this post isn't late. See? Play along at home, friends. ;)

Just wanted to post pictures of a few scrapbook layouts I did at a retreat a few weeks ago. Since I get a lot of inspiration from scrapbook blogs and books, I'm trying to be better about sharing my work, which means I am trying to stop comparing what I do to what other people do and just be happy with preserving my own memories.

Anyway.







There isn't too much to say about the first, other than I am sort of fond of it. The second is the one I really like. It's a layout that probably won't be seen too much: one of both boys together, at roughly the same age. The journaling at the top says : "Brothers: 20 months apart. Pictures: 22 months apart. Cheese - Always fresh!" I was looking through some pictures of Tiny Man and realized that Toast's new desire to smile the cheesiest grin possible was something they shared. I love having these two pictures side by side....it's not often I see how much my boys resemble each other.

An aside: maybe I should make it a goal of NaBloPoMo to learn how to take better pictures of my work and not spend ten minutes trying to upload them to the blog. Just a thought.