Let's just establish that this will be the self-reflective "getting back to the blog" post. If you'd like, you can just skip this one and come back later.
Blogging, like exercise, seems to be hard to restart once you stop. I know because I have also recently started exercising again....I think that blogging will involve less sweat. The music might be a bit mellower, as well.
I've missed blogging, though. For four years or so, I had become used to sitting down at the computer and jotting down a few thoughts. Or a lot of thoughts. Publishing it to the world. Okay...not the world, but at least it was going out there. My dad read it, so that was nice, except when it was awkward (hi Dad!!). But then there was the whole baby thing, and the losing my mind trying to figure out how to mother two children thing, and the three year old dropping his nap thing (throwing our whole carefully constructed schedule into chaos once again). But I've missed sitting here, musing, hitting publish and wondering if anyone would read. Or sometimes getting it all out here at the keyboard, hitting publish, and hoping no one would read it....or at least indicate to me that they had read it (Hi, Dad!!!).
So I'd like to get this started again. I'd like to have a record of our days here at le Chez. I've come to appreciate the time I'm spending at home in a very new and unique way, and I think in a few years I won't remember what this was all like....and that would be a shame.
So, I"m back. Let's see where this goes!
Showing posts with label being home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label being home. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Sunday, November 8, 2009
A thinking prompt
“The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born?
Where is your home?
Where are you going?
What are you doing?Think about these once in a while and watch your answers change.”
-Richard Bach
I stumbled across this little prompt on a Blog I read, and it seemed perfect...I've been thinking about these things lately as well.
Specifically, I've been thinking about how I DOCUMENT things in my life like change, home, family, goals, and the past. I always think about these things as the seasons change, but it seems that this year the topic is especially fresh. I think that I have reached the stage in my grief for Tiny Man that I've started to really assess how he changed my life and how I live it.
I'm thinking about the change of seasons and how much HOME has come to mean to me. When I was "coming up" I never in a million years thought that I would be a homemaker. My mom did it all, raised us, worked, she and my dad built a house together, and she did such a good job. (Because he's reading...yeah, dad, you are great too, but not so much a female roll model, eh?) Anyway, I always thought I would do the same. I would work, raise kids, make a home. One of the first things I realized after making the decision to stay home with Tiny Man is that I would NEVER have been able to do it all. Some people can, and they do a marvelous job. It's just not in me. Part of it is the job, teaching, it is very demanding. Raising kids, obviously, is also very demanding. For the first time in my life I am starting to understand what it means to prioritize the big things, and realize what the big things are.
There are some cliche'd examples of recognizing the "big things" in our lives. My favorite has always been the idea of rocks in a jar....if you have several rocks to put in a jar, put the big ones in first, they determine what else will fit...then move on to the smaller rocks (which fit in between the larger ones) and the sand to fill in the cracks. When we're younger we hear things like this and it never sinks in...part of that whole "invincible" thing, I guess.
What I've realized is that for me, success in life means not doing everything, but doing the things that I choose to do really really well. To me, that means that I can't do too much at one time.
I still struggle with the decision to leave work and stay at home. There are days I question if what I'm doing matters. But when I get a glimpse of what really makes me happy, what really makes me tick, I see that this choice is the only one that makes sense for me.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
C'mon spring!
Now that all the snow is gone, I find that I"m just completely disenchanted with this whole winter thing. I mean, I live where I do because I like winter...okay, it's not my FAVORITE season, but being a homebody and all, I love being able to curl up in my house and putter all day while the wind and snow and cold rage outside. I love cooking comfort food and feeding Hubby with it. I love knitting in front of a good DVD. I feel guilty doing any of this in the middle of the day when it's "nice" outside and I should be out soaking up the sun. But this week? yeah. The snow is gone and so is the love. Let's get a move on, spring.
We've been in the house completely too much lately...most of the week, actually. The plus side of this is that I've been a bit...well...compulsive this week, so the house is clean and pretty. The down side is that the house is now clean and pretty and I'm STILL IN IT. I need to get out. I sense a trip to...well, somewhere this afternoon to get out of this place. Toast and I did go for a lovely long walk on monday (that coupled with the cleaning earned me more than a few activity points for my weekly Weight Watchers total, let me tell you), and that did help.
I think part of this whole cabin fever thing is the aforementioned weather, part of it is the timing...this week marking the one year anniversary of Tiny Man's death. It's been a rough time. We were supposed to go to a memorial service last saturday, but did not due to the extreme migraine I had all day. To answer the question, maybe it was caused by tension and subconscious...I don't know. I do know that I have very mixed feelings about missing the memorial. On one hand I really would have liked to have gone....but our hospice team is still making visits, so we see them regularly anyway. And the timing for us, the weekend before the one year mark, was very poor. So maybe next year we'll try again.
I spoke to a friend this week about anniversaries like the sort I'm experiencing now. She asked if I was remembering everything from this week last year, and the answer is yes. I remember what I was doing with Tiny Man each and every day of this week last year. It's so vivid it almost scares me. We have made plans for this weekend and next to be out of the house and with family, and I think that this is a wise decision. I"m looking forward to it.
Perhaps some thrifting at salvation army this afternoon.....
We've been in the house completely too much lately...most of the week, actually. The plus side of this is that I've been a bit...well...compulsive this week, so the house is clean and pretty. The down side is that the house is now clean and pretty and I'm STILL IN IT. I need to get out. I sense a trip to...well, somewhere this afternoon to get out of this place. Toast and I did go for a lovely long walk on monday (that coupled with the cleaning earned me more than a few activity points for my weekly Weight Watchers total, let me tell you), and that did help.
I think part of this whole cabin fever thing is the aforementioned weather, part of it is the timing...this week marking the one year anniversary of Tiny Man's death. It's been a rough time. We were supposed to go to a memorial service last saturday, but did not due to the extreme migraine I had all day. To answer the question, maybe it was caused by tension and subconscious...I don't know. I do know that I have very mixed feelings about missing the memorial. On one hand I really would have liked to have gone....but our hospice team is still making visits, so we see them regularly anyway. And the timing for us, the weekend before the one year mark, was very poor. So maybe next year we'll try again.
I spoke to a friend this week about anniversaries like the sort I'm experiencing now. She asked if I was remembering everything from this week last year, and the answer is yes. I remember what I was doing with Tiny Man each and every day of this week last year. It's so vivid it almost scares me. We have made plans for this weekend and next to be out of the house and with family, and I think that this is a wise decision. I"m looking forward to it.
Perhaps some thrifting at salvation army this afternoon.....
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Frozen
It really shouldn't be this hard to get help. After my last post I did look into getting some help, and that is an ongoing process. I found a therapist in my area, and we talked on the phone. Seems he is an analyst, and his specialty is not in supportive therapy. He did give me numbers for a couple other people in his practice, and I've been in contact with one of them who does not take my insurance. So I"ll call another today. I just feel so frustrated, like it shouldn't be this hard to find someone to help me! What do they do with people who are suicidal, say that they don't specialize in suicide? Agh!
Hubby is well, but both kids are sick now. Listening to Bruiser's little cough at night just kills me....he has this horribly hacky congested cough, and of course there is very little to be done about it. I think the pediatrician's office should just set up an automatic recording: "Unless your child has a fever, elevate their crib, use saline nasal drops, and a cool mist vaporizer at night". Tiny man is back on the nebulizer. Trying to keep his nose clear with the drops and snot sucker is like wrestling with an octopus. Last night I did it at one in the morning because he was whimpering and couldn't breathe. It kills me, it really does, but at the same time I am so frustrated because I"m not sleeping AGAIN since they both got sick at about the time Bruiser started sleeping all night.
I'm really trying to let people know that I am not doing well and that I need help, but that is just so incredibly hard. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, and no one wants to listen to me whine. I feel like they are my kids and I should just get through this because everyone deals with it at some point....it's the fact that the fatigue and sleeplessness and sickness come with this paralyzing sadness and apathy that is just killing me. I feel incapable of dealing with more than one task at a time, and that includes the kids. I can't multitask at all...and my life is a series of multitasks. I feel thankful that I don't feel any anger towards the boys...that I don't feel like hurting them or myself. I DO however, feel like throwing breakable things in my kitchen and screaming a lot. I can't do any of this, so I"m trying to look for other outlets.
Another unfortunate effect of what I'm dealing with is that I am completely incapable of figuring out what to DO with myself. I get a half hour of free time when they both nap, and I wonder where it went. I have a million things I should do, a million things I want to do, and I wander around the house drinking coffee and straightening things. At the end of the day I feel so unaccomplished. I can't be still, even at night after Tiny man goes to bed and hubby has bruiser....I can't stand to watch TV, I can't focus on the simplest of knitting, I can't even read...and I read a lot. I used to read before bed every night...I have always been a big reader. I can't focus on the simplest or shortest of things.
So I"m still trying...I am, but it gets more difficult each day.
Hubby is well, but both kids are sick now. Listening to Bruiser's little cough at night just kills me....he has this horribly hacky congested cough, and of course there is very little to be done about it. I think the pediatrician's office should just set up an automatic recording: "Unless your child has a fever, elevate their crib, use saline nasal drops, and a cool mist vaporizer at night". Tiny man is back on the nebulizer. Trying to keep his nose clear with the drops and snot sucker is like wrestling with an octopus. Last night I did it at one in the morning because he was whimpering and couldn't breathe. It kills me, it really does, but at the same time I am so frustrated because I"m not sleeping AGAIN since they both got sick at about the time Bruiser started sleeping all night.
I'm really trying to let people know that I am not doing well and that I need help, but that is just so incredibly hard. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, and no one wants to listen to me whine. I feel like they are my kids and I should just get through this because everyone deals with it at some point....it's the fact that the fatigue and sleeplessness and sickness come with this paralyzing sadness and apathy that is just killing me. I feel incapable of dealing with more than one task at a time, and that includes the kids. I can't multitask at all...and my life is a series of multitasks. I feel thankful that I don't feel any anger towards the boys...that I don't feel like hurting them or myself. I DO however, feel like throwing breakable things in my kitchen and screaming a lot. I can't do any of this, so I"m trying to look for other outlets.
Another unfortunate effect of what I'm dealing with is that I am completely incapable of figuring out what to DO with myself. I get a half hour of free time when they both nap, and I wonder where it went. I have a million things I should do, a million things I want to do, and I wander around the house drinking coffee and straightening things. At the end of the day I feel so unaccomplished. I can't be still, even at night after Tiny man goes to bed and hubby has bruiser....I can't stand to watch TV, I can't focus on the simplest of knitting, I can't even read...and I read a lot. I used to read before bed every night...I have always been a big reader. I can't focus on the simplest or shortest of things.
So I"m still trying...I am, but it gets more difficult each day.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
It's frustrating because it's no one's fault
Hubby was sick today. It's a saturday, the day I usually get to participate in tag team parenting, and maybe even get a bit of time to myself as he takes both of them (he's good at this, really...why are people always suprised when I say he's good at this?)
But today I had both kids, as I have the past five days, with the added worry of all of us getting sick (made worse by the fact that hubby refused to stay in bed). I CANNOT go another week...or two...or three with sick kid(s) as I have the past two weeks. I don't know how I managed to stay cool and not yell or set my hair on fire, but I did. My children are both in one piece, as is my husband.
I have to confront the fact that I am fairly depressed. I don't have baby blues, I think I am actually postpartum. I thought that I was bad after Tiny Man, and people kept telling me "oh, but you had so much else to deal with"....but this is also bad. If I could, I would stay in bed all day and cry. The only reason I don't is because my children cannot take care of themselves. I have days where I feel good. I start weight watchers, I blog, I clean the house, I engage in stimulating activities and play with Tiny Man while holding/shhing/cooing at Bruiser in my other arm. I think to myself "I can do this, I can stay at home and actually raise normal children and still like myself at the end of the day". Most days are not like this. Most days I watch the clock and wonder how I will make it through the rest of the hours until hubby comes home. Most days I dream of the weekend. I bargain for sleep on fridays when hubby gets home. I break down into tears when Tiny Man screams for the thousandth time. I sit on the couch during his nap, holding bruiser, staring at TV without knowing what is on.
I don't think this is sleep deprivation, although that is definately not helping me. I have a physical reaction to lack of sleep. I'm sure the typical "new parent" sleep is not making this better.
Several years ago I went through a very difficult time during a relationship and the ending of that relationship. I realized after I ended things and moved on that I had been quite depressed and not known or received help for it. I tried therapy at the time, and the therapist I saw kept pushing me to get involved in a singles group. Something to meet new people...she suggested several at a church. The whole experience just turned me off. I don't know if it didn't work out because I didn't click with the therapist, or because I wasn't honest with her, or because I wasn't as bad as I thought. At any rate, many of the same behaviors I had at that time have resurfaced...fatigue, excessive sleep (if I could get sleep I would all day...but I can't), withdrawl from friends, inability to concentrate, change in appetite (another aside...why can't I be one of those people who LOSES weight when sad?)
After I had Tiny Man I talked to my GP and told him I was down. He talked with me assured me it was normal, and wrote me a prescription. He said it wasn't surprising with everything going on. I never filled the scrip...I don't want to take drugs without seeing someone who can actually professionally evaluate me, though. I'm very scared of medicating myself for this. I'm scared of the side effects, long term effects, and not actually taking care of issues that may be causing me to feel this way.
I think mostly I keep expecting myself to snap out of it.
I know I need to get help, but I keep making excuses not to. I knew this would happen, I contacted a therapist when I was pregnant and didn't wind up going. Now I tell myself I can't get out at night. I can't even get out to buy a gallon of milk at night, how can I keep a therapy appointment? I tell myself that Hubby would sabotage any effort to keep an appointment, which is a load of crap. He would drive me there himself if he knew it would help me. I keep trying to shove this aside, thinking I will get better when I am not so tired, or when I can clean my house, or that I will feel better when all the toys are picked up or the laundry is done. Then all that happens and I still feel like throwing things. I keep myself busy all the time because I don't have to stop and look for something to do, or feel crappy, or think about all of this.
Hubby keeps asking me if I"m okay and I keep telling him I'm just so tired. I feel like if I start talking to him about this I will never be able to stop. I don't want him to worry about leaving me home in the day with the kids. I don't want him to feel sorry for me. All of these things are just more excuses to not confront what is really going on.
Like I said in the title of my last post, maybe if I write about this, I can't cheat. Maybe now I have to do something.
But today I had both kids, as I have the past five days, with the added worry of all of us getting sick (made worse by the fact that hubby refused to stay in bed). I CANNOT go another week...or two...or three with sick kid(s) as I have the past two weeks. I don't know how I managed to stay cool and not yell or set my hair on fire, but I did. My children are both in one piece, as is my husband.
I have to confront the fact that I am fairly depressed. I don't have baby blues, I think I am actually postpartum. I thought that I was bad after Tiny Man, and people kept telling me "oh, but you had so much else to deal with"....but this is also bad. If I could, I would stay in bed all day and cry. The only reason I don't is because my children cannot take care of themselves. I have days where I feel good. I start weight watchers, I blog, I clean the house, I engage in stimulating activities and play with Tiny Man while holding/shhing/cooing at Bruiser in my other arm. I think to myself "I can do this, I can stay at home and actually raise normal children and still like myself at the end of the day". Most days are not like this. Most days I watch the clock and wonder how I will make it through the rest of the hours until hubby comes home. Most days I dream of the weekend. I bargain for sleep on fridays when hubby gets home. I break down into tears when Tiny Man screams for the thousandth time. I sit on the couch during his nap, holding bruiser, staring at TV without knowing what is on.
I don't think this is sleep deprivation, although that is definately not helping me. I have a physical reaction to lack of sleep. I'm sure the typical "new parent" sleep is not making this better.
Several years ago I went through a very difficult time during a relationship and the ending of that relationship. I realized after I ended things and moved on that I had been quite depressed and not known or received help for it. I tried therapy at the time, and the therapist I saw kept pushing me to get involved in a singles group. Something to meet new people...she suggested several at a church. The whole experience just turned me off. I don't know if it didn't work out because I didn't click with the therapist, or because I wasn't honest with her, or because I wasn't as bad as I thought. At any rate, many of the same behaviors I had at that time have resurfaced...fatigue, excessive sleep (if I could get sleep I would all day...but I can't), withdrawl from friends, inability to concentrate, change in appetite (another aside...why can't I be one of those people who LOSES weight when sad?)
After I had Tiny Man I talked to my GP and told him I was down. He talked with me assured me it was normal, and wrote me a prescription. He said it wasn't surprising with everything going on. I never filled the scrip...I don't want to take drugs without seeing someone who can actually professionally evaluate me, though. I'm very scared of medicating myself for this. I'm scared of the side effects, long term effects, and not actually taking care of issues that may be causing me to feel this way.
I think mostly I keep expecting myself to snap out of it.
I know I need to get help, but I keep making excuses not to. I knew this would happen, I contacted a therapist when I was pregnant and didn't wind up going. Now I tell myself I can't get out at night. I can't even get out to buy a gallon of milk at night, how can I keep a therapy appointment? I tell myself that Hubby would sabotage any effort to keep an appointment, which is a load of crap. He would drive me there himself if he knew it would help me. I keep trying to shove this aside, thinking I will get better when I am not so tired, or when I can clean my house, or that I will feel better when all the toys are picked up or the laundry is done. Then all that happens and I still feel like throwing things. I keep myself busy all the time because I don't have to stop and look for something to do, or feel crappy, or think about all of this.
Hubby keeps asking me if I"m okay and I keep telling him I'm just so tired. I feel like if I start talking to him about this I will never be able to stop. I don't want him to worry about leaving me home in the day with the kids. I don't want him to feel sorry for me. All of these things are just more excuses to not confront what is really going on.
Like I said in the title of my last post, maybe if I write about this, I can't cheat. Maybe now I have to do something.
Monday, January 28, 2008
If I tell you about it, I can't cheat.
I find myself prioritizing the stuff I want to blog about because I never know how much time I have before the kids wake up. This way I jot down what is on my mind, and can always blog about it later.
Today:
I am starting weight watchers again today. I am pretty pleased with the fact that I have lost the baby weight (thanks, breastfeeding!) plus most of the weight I did not lose after having tiny man. My main concern is returning to a normal eating routine. After tiny man was born, the stress and depression surrounding his medical issues, his birth, leaving my job, issues with friends...all of it went in my mouth. I've always been a stress/boredom eater. Now that I am at home all day, I find myself snacking every time I am bored, or when things get rough (tiny man has taken to screaming all the time...more on that later). So I have three main goals in doing this program: 1. monitoring what I eat and my portion size. If I don't start doing this, I will gain weight because I eat unconsciously. 2. Find other ways to deal with my boredom. I can' knit during the day because the kids are too demanding. We can't go outside now because it is too cold and snowy...so for now I have to find other ways to deal with boredom or stress. 3. I need to be able to monitor my hunger...am I hungry or am I bored. How hungry am I? I think if I can do these things my weight will naturally fall into place and I will feel better. Yes, I will probably lose some weight and that would be great, but dieting to lose the weight is not what I need. I need to change habits, and I think I will feel better and look better after doing it.
When I did weight watchers several years ago, I did change my habits, and I lost a lot of weight too. I felt great and had so much energy...then I got married, lost a pregnancy, had Tiny Man and now Bruiser. My life has changed so drastically and there has been a lot of stress. I just need to return to good eating habits. I'm going to try doing the program on my own for a few weeks and see how effective that is. If it does not work I'll know I need the community portion and I will pay to join up, Probably online.
I hate being obsessive about my weight. When I lost weight before, I found that watching what I ate and establishing good habits made me less obsessive. I wasn't skinny, but I didn't care because I felt good and ate good food. That's all I really want. I have always had a poor body image, and it is made worse when I know I'm not doing good things for myself. I hope that this changes for the better.
Today:
I am starting weight watchers again today. I am pretty pleased with the fact that I have lost the baby weight (thanks, breastfeeding!) plus most of the weight I did not lose after having tiny man. My main concern is returning to a normal eating routine. After tiny man was born, the stress and depression surrounding his medical issues, his birth, leaving my job, issues with friends...all of it went in my mouth. I've always been a stress/boredom eater. Now that I am at home all day, I find myself snacking every time I am bored, or when things get rough (tiny man has taken to screaming all the time...more on that later). So I have three main goals in doing this program: 1. monitoring what I eat and my portion size. If I don't start doing this, I will gain weight because I eat unconsciously. 2. Find other ways to deal with my boredom. I can' knit during the day because the kids are too demanding. We can't go outside now because it is too cold and snowy...so for now I have to find other ways to deal with boredom or stress. 3. I need to be able to monitor my hunger...am I hungry or am I bored. How hungry am I? I think if I can do these things my weight will naturally fall into place and I will feel better. Yes, I will probably lose some weight and that would be great, but dieting to lose the weight is not what I need. I need to change habits, and I think I will feel better and look better after doing it.
When I did weight watchers several years ago, I did change my habits, and I lost a lot of weight too. I felt great and had so much energy...then I got married, lost a pregnancy, had Tiny Man and now Bruiser. My life has changed so drastically and there has been a lot of stress. I just need to return to good eating habits. I'm going to try doing the program on my own for a few weeks and see how effective that is. If it does not work I'll know I need the community portion and I will pay to join up, Probably online.
I hate being obsessive about my weight. When I lost weight before, I found that watching what I ate and establishing good habits made me less obsessive. I wasn't skinny, but I didn't care because I felt good and ate good food. That's all I really want. I have always had a poor body image, and it is made worse when I know I'm not doing good things for myself. I hope that this changes for the better.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Because I feel like posting
Things I would like to be able to do again soon:
1. Knit
2. Shower daily
3. Sleep all night
4. Scrapbook (date planned: Jan. 18, so "Check")
5. Cook a big meal for us
6. Have time alone with Hubby
7. Mop my kitchen floor (I don't know where this comes from...although my house is usually free of clutter, because I hate clutter, it is rarely "clean clean"...just picked up and swept...but suddenly the compulsion is there)
8. do a complete task from start to finish
9. Wear a regular Bra, one that holds the girls up and doesn't give me uniboob. Why OH WHY do they not make good nursing bras for large breasted women?
10. Go for a walk. Preferably with the boys during the "whiny hour" of either 11 am-noon or 3:30 pm - 4:30 pm.
11. Get a haircut
I'm not complaining...no, really, I"m not...but I need a list of things I want to accomplish that reads more like this (long term things that will come back into the realm of our new normal soon) and less like "feed cat, buy diapers". Because all of these things will happen again soon, it's just not now.
I love being at home. I love my boys. But sometimes in the middle of the day when Tiny Man is screaming and Bruiser wants to nurse again for the fifth time in two hours, I have to set them down and go out to the garage for two reasons: 1. I can shut the door and 2. I can take five deep breaths and come back in ready to be patient again. Tiny Man has developed this annoying habit of screeching at the top of his lungs for sustained periods of time for no reason. Well, he has a reason: he is being asked to play on his own while I do something with baby Bruiser. It's just an adjustment period.
Had a visitor today that brought me starbucks. mmmmmm. It's the little things.
1. Knit
2. Shower daily
3. Sleep all night
4. Scrapbook (date planned: Jan. 18, so "Check")
5. Cook a big meal for us
6. Have time alone with Hubby
7. Mop my kitchen floor (I don't know where this comes from...although my house is usually free of clutter, because I hate clutter, it is rarely "clean clean"...just picked up and swept...but suddenly the compulsion is there)
8. do a complete task from start to finish
9. Wear a regular Bra, one that holds the girls up and doesn't give me uniboob. Why OH WHY do they not make good nursing bras for large breasted women?
10. Go for a walk. Preferably with the boys during the "whiny hour" of either 11 am-noon or 3:30 pm - 4:30 pm.
11. Get a haircut
I'm not complaining...no, really, I"m not...but I need a list of things I want to accomplish that reads more like this (long term things that will come back into the realm of our new normal soon) and less like "feed cat, buy diapers". Because all of these things will happen again soon, it's just not now.
I love being at home. I love my boys. But sometimes in the middle of the day when Tiny Man is screaming and Bruiser wants to nurse again for the fifth time in two hours, I have to set them down and go out to the garage for two reasons: 1. I can shut the door and 2. I can take five deep breaths and come back in ready to be patient again. Tiny Man has developed this annoying habit of screeching at the top of his lungs for sustained periods of time for no reason. Well, he has a reason: he is being asked to play on his own while I do something with baby Bruiser. It's just an adjustment period.
Had a visitor today that brought me starbucks. mmmmmm. It's the little things.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Thursdays
Thursdays seem to be the hardest days around here....hubby stays late at work (well, not at work, but in the same town) to take a class at night, so Tiny Man and I are together all day long. It's not like this is difficult or anything else, I just look forward to hubby coming home and hanging out with us. On Thursdays I try to find things to do that will fill the time. Outings are always appreciated. I'm not sure what we will do today, but I'm not feeling like staying at home...so out we go.
We went to the ultrasound yesterday...I'm 20 weeks pregnant now, it seems like time is creeping by. I can't believe I will not deliver until december, I already feel as if I've been pregnant forever. I say this not in a "oh I'm miserable" way (I'm not, I feel great), but things sure aren't hurrying past. Everything was normal in the ultrasound, which was a HUGE relief...I feel like every time something comes back normal I'm beating some kind of cosmic odds. I don't think I will ever escape the feeling that something is about to go wrong, after everything we went through with Tiny Man. Still have to schedule a fetal echo in a few weeks to make sure the heart is normal, again because of Tiny Man's heart history. I found out I can't have this at the hospital I plan to deliver at, because the doc who does them is out on vacation for four weeks. So I'll try and make it down at Children's Hospital, maybe I can do the fetal echo and have Tiny's next checkup at the same time...this may be more efficient for us, but I'm not sure how it will be trying to schedule it. Other than these concerns, the pregnancy news is blissfully boring. I'm feeling great, walking a lot to try and stay healthy, trying to eat well (though I do admit to caving in more than I'd like). Whatever I"m doing is working, though...I lost four pounds the first few months because of morning sickness and I have yet to gain it back yet. Normally, this might be concerning, but for me, given my...uh, rather Rubenesque physique, it's not a bad thing. I know I will gain eventually, but I don't need to gain a ton of weight with this pregnancy.
Meanwhile, I don't remember being this TIRED last time. I know that a lot of this is just the work of being with Tiny Man...carrying him around is killing me...I try not to do it all that often, but it's hard not to. And with all the stairs in our house, I'm exhausted by the end of the day. It never fails that I'm up the stairs to get two things, and I come down with one and forget the other. By the end of the pregnancy I'm really going to have to plan my stair trips better. I described carrying him around to hubby yesterday by saying it's like carrying a giant squid while having a whale strapped to your front. Funny, but oh so true.
We went to the ultrasound yesterday...I'm 20 weeks pregnant now, it seems like time is creeping by. I can't believe I will not deliver until december, I already feel as if I've been pregnant forever. I say this not in a "oh I'm miserable" way (I'm not, I feel great), but things sure aren't hurrying past. Everything was normal in the ultrasound, which was a HUGE relief...I feel like every time something comes back normal I'm beating some kind of cosmic odds. I don't think I will ever escape the feeling that something is about to go wrong, after everything we went through with Tiny Man. Still have to schedule a fetal echo in a few weeks to make sure the heart is normal, again because of Tiny Man's heart history. I found out I can't have this at the hospital I plan to deliver at, because the doc who does them is out on vacation for four weeks. So I'll try and make it down at Children's Hospital, maybe I can do the fetal echo and have Tiny's next checkup at the same time...this may be more efficient for us, but I'm not sure how it will be trying to schedule it. Other than these concerns, the pregnancy news is blissfully boring. I'm feeling great, walking a lot to try and stay healthy, trying to eat well (though I do admit to caving in more than I'd like). Whatever I"m doing is working, though...I lost four pounds the first few months because of morning sickness and I have yet to gain it back yet. Normally, this might be concerning, but for me, given my...uh, rather Rubenesque physique, it's not a bad thing. I know I will gain eventually, but I don't need to gain a ton of weight with this pregnancy.
Meanwhile, I don't remember being this TIRED last time. I know that a lot of this is just the work of being with Tiny Man...carrying him around is killing me...I try not to do it all that often, but it's hard not to. And with all the stairs in our house, I'm exhausted by the end of the day. It never fails that I'm up the stairs to get two things, and I come down with one and forget the other. By the end of the pregnancy I'm really going to have to plan my stair trips better. I described carrying him around to hubby yesterday by saying it's like carrying a giant squid while having a whale strapped to your front. Funny, but oh so true.
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