Conversations with my Toddler, V. 2

Toast: What are you doin, Mama?
Me: I'm trying on the new dress I bought.  Do you like it?  Is it pretty?
Toast: It's just okay
Me: Just okay?
Toast: it's just okay
Me: We have to work on your lines.  You should never tell a girl her dress is just okay.  You've got to get some better lines.
Toast: I have some.
Me: Not good ones!
Toast: I have some. 

Universe, I'm going to need help raising boys. 

Conversations with my Toddler

Me: Are you still hungry?
Toast: nom nom nom (eating chicken)  I WANT CHEESE. 
Me: Is your chicken gone (I've given up on the Broccoli that's on his plate, that's clearly a lost cause)
Toast: I want cheese please.
Me: I asked you if your chicken was gone
Toast: And I said I wanted cheese. 

*sigh*

Later:
me: Do you know where ambulances take people?
Toast: To their houses? 
Me: no, to the hospital to get better.  Do you know what else people go to the hospital for? To have babies!
Toast: I want to go meet the baby!
Me: We'll have to ask if they let big brothers visit.  Sometimes they do. 
Toast: I'll drive my garbage truck there. 

There was a long discussion about purchasing a Garbage truck, who would be able to drive it, and where we would take it.  Toast is insisting that since I can drive my car (a Honda Civic) that I can drive a Garbage Truck too.  And he'll take it to the park. 

I LOVE the way the two year old mind works.  Always keeps me on my feet. 

the way things change.

It was almost a year ago that I wrote this.   The time between 18 months and two years was tough for me, as I was unprepared for exactly how attached (I prefer to say clingy) kids get at that age...and Toast was no exception.  It was hard for me. 

Imagine my surprise, then, at the day we had yesterday. 

We left the house to go and have lunch with our friends, as we do once a week.  I stopped at a certain national chain coffee shop first to get some coffee, and as we were walking in a man with a dog was sitting outside.  I always tell Toast that we don't talk to dogs we don't know, but I also know he LOVES dogs.  What is it about kids and dogs?  Anyway, I asked the man if we could pet his dog, and he said sure.  The dog was sweet and friendly and Toast dove in immediately.  After a short break to go in and get a drink, we returned to the dog, and I had a conversation with the man.  He looked at me in the middle and said "your kid is fearless!"  To me, this is a huge complement. 

I want my kid to be independent.  I want him to be cautious, and smart, and careful, yes, but I want him to be decisive and brave and independent as well.  One of the things I love most about Toast at this age is that he is walking the line between these two sides so very well.  He loves to be outside, and explore, and I love it when he runs back to me (or hubby) every few minutes to tell us what he's doing, or show me something, or tell me he loves me...then it's off again to whatever he's up to. 

My eyes nearly popped out of my head a few weeks ago when we went to the play area at the mall and he actually PLAYED...ran around like a little maniac, instead of sitting by my side saying "mama, you want to go?" and pulling at my hand because he didn't want to go alone. 

After leaving the dog, we continued on to the park for lunch.  The park we visited has a large wood play structure, one of the very fancy ones with things to climb, crawl through, slide down, investigate, and play on.  There are only two entrances, and much of the seating is placed so you can watch both at once.  It's marvelous...and Toast was in his element.  He took off and explored every last nook and cranny of the place.  Every few minutes, I'd just get up and go make sure I could spot him.  Invariably he had a huge smile on his face and was either trying to talk up another kid or just walking around happily.  I loved seeing him explore everything. 

But this post isn't about his changes and his independence.  It's about how, as Toast has become MORE independent, I've become more attached. 

It was surprisingly hard to let him go yesterday.  I knew he was having a great time, but if he was out of eyesight it made me crazy. 

Then......

He had climbed to the top of a tower and was looking out, as he turned to leave he had two options: walk forward to the stairs and climb down, or walk left, where a fireman's pole was waiting.  The decking opened out into nothing so the kids could grab the pole and slide down. 

Oh yes, he did.  He walked right out into nothing. 

I've never moved so fast in my life, watching him drop almost eight feet to the ground.  When I got there he had a look on his face like "What the HELL just happened".  As I picked him up, he started to cry.  It was all I could do not to cry myself.  He was fine, not screaming in pain, no blood, no bumps or bruises...just a very scared cry and two little arms that went around my neck and held on tighter than they have before. 

If this is parenting, I'm not sure why it doesn't come with a warning label. 

We had a cuddle, and some water, and a banana.  Then he said "Time to go" and went off to play again.  I couldn't believe it.  I couldn't stop thinking about this all night last night, and as I went to sleep it dawned on me that he can still wrap his tiny chubby arms around my neck and cry right now.  At least we have that.  One day he's going to get hurt and that won't be possible....some stupid girl will break his heart, or he won't get something he really wants.  He'll fail at something he tries really hard to do well.  We all do these things.  And then, when I'm not able to hug him tight and soothe him, THEN what am I supposed to do? 

This parenting thing?  It's hard. 

It happened in the yogurt aisle

Recently there have been a few incidents that have me reconsidering that whole "boys are easier than girls when it comes to dating" wisdom that seems to float around.  Today was another example. 

Toast is really excited about going to the grocery store now, because two stores near us feature "little" shopping carts.  They are just his size, and he LOVES to push his own cart around the store.  It's a little hair-raising for me, but he's getting better over time.  The first time we tried this he nearly ran down two old ladies in frozen foods....I had to physically run after the cart (bent over, of course, because the cart is two feet tall) and restrain him as he tried to madly push it into their galoshes in front of the ice cream.  It's a wonder I let him at the things after that. 

Before I continue this story I have to tell you that one of my pet peeves when grocery shopping is someone who leaves their cart in the aisle as they go to look for other things.  I don't mean parked discreetly at the side of the aisle, I mean DIRECTLY in the middle so that no one can get around them.  It's one of the things I hate most in this life. 

So today when my son abandoned his cart in one of the main aisles in the supermarket to go pick up a girl, you'll understand that I was duly shocked. 

To be fair, she was cute.  His age, golden locks, pink jacket, Elmo in the shopping basket.  Toast must have noticed the basket first because his pickup line was "I like your Elmo"...she was instantly smitten.  They held hands.  He asked her to go home with him.  She said he needed to go home with her mommy.  After some prolonged smiling and flirting in the checkout lane, they had to part ways. It was a little tragic. 

I was laughing to hard to be worried, but I should note that this is the SECOND time he has attempted to use his powers of persuasion on young women while out in public.  The first time had him holding hands and asking a SEVEN YEAR OLD to go home with him in his mama's car. 

Mothers, lock up your daughters.  Toast is on the prowl. 

TWO

A simple happy birthday to my Toast...my big two year old boy. 

It's hard to look at your blond curly head and remember you as the ten and a half pound baby that was born only two years ago. 

What I did today

This weekend was devoted to figuring out what we'll do to celebrate Toast's second birthday. With the size of our house (small-ish) the number of people we want to help us celebrate (large-ish), and the areas they live in (spread-out-ish), it's a little tricky to figure out this birthday thing. Reason number 43 to have a child in the spring or summer: outdoor birthday parties! Plan accordingly!

So we're having a variety of celebrations, ranging from Toast's favorite dinner at home with Hubby and I on his actual birthday, to a big family celebration at my Mom's house, which is ostensibly for Toast, but also for the other December birthdays. There are a few cousins who LOVE to get mail, LOVE Toast, and still love a good party....so I decided to send them each invitations (even though we had already done the family phone tree invite to all the parents). In addition to them, we are inviting a few of Toast's friends from the neighborhood over for cake. Some invitations were in order!

Here's what I came up with:



I downloaded a digital scrapbook kit from Designer Digitals (www.designerdigitals.com) called "Men at Work" and all the artwork is from that. The cards and envelopes are all purpose single sided cards with matching envelopes that I buy in bulk at Target. I use these for EVERYTHING, and they are great.
I'm feeling a bit smug about my skills today.

Reasons why

Not like I need reasons, but here's an example of why I love my kid so darn much. He snuggles up to me, on the couch and launches into "HI MOMMA HI!" which he repeats about ten times in succession. I laugh and say "hi" and "I love you". He looks right at me with those adorable blue eyes and says "I missed you too, mama".
Who cares if he gets it mixed up (he's been with me all day every day)...it's just cute.

I'm not late, you are

We're going to pretend that, instead of 9:11 on a Wednesday, it's actually still Tuesday. That way this post isn't late. See? Play along at home, friends. ;)

Just wanted to post pictures of a few scrapbook layouts I did at a retreat a few weeks ago. Since I get a lot of inspiration from scrapbook blogs and books, I'm trying to be better about sharing my work, which means I am trying to stop comparing what I do to what other people do and just be happy with preserving my own memories.

Anyway.







There isn't too much to say about the first, other than I am sort of fond of it. The second is the one I really like. It's a layout that probably won't be seen too much: one of both boys together, at roughly the same age. The journaling at the top says : "Brothers: 20 months apart. Pictures: 22 months apart. Cheese - Always fresh!" I was looking through some pictures of Tiny Man and realized that Toast's new desire to smile the cheesiest grin possible was something they shared. I love having these two pictures side by side....it's not often I see how much my boys resemble each other.

An aside: maybe I should make it a goal of NaBloPoMo to learn how to take better pictures of my work and not spend ten minutes trying to upload them to the blog. Just a thought.

perspective

I'm a week out from the horrible mommy day. Things are back to normal, the way they should be, ups and downs balancing out. Life with a busy 18 month old.

I feel so comforted, so good, reading the comments for the last post. Writing the entry...I just needed to get things out. It doesn't matter how much I know, logically, that it's okay to take a minute for myself...especially when I'm feeling frustrated and upset...it still feels strange to write it out. I think we, as mothers (and as teachers/librarians...I'm talking to you Sparkcrafted) are given messages that tell us we are only good and only worthy if we turn ourselves over to our charges. When I think about it, though, the best children I know, the best parents I know, they have individual lives. My parents were really wonderful at parenting, and they always took time for themselves. I saw them reading, having hobbies, enjoying life with me and by themselves. I think we get a lot of messages from society that encourage us to live completely for our children, and I think that is not healthy. It's a fine line, though, and one that's hard to walk. When Toast is having a normal day it's hard to not spend every moment with him, both because he demands it and because it's fun.

Mostly, I think, I am so encouraged by reading comments from moms I admire and care deeply about telling me it's going to be okay. Thanks guys. When it comes down to it, something we have that mothers before us did not is a community of people that is incredibly diverse...it goes beyond our family and neighbors, and it provides incredible perspective and support. There is a lot out there if one looks for it.

I am fortunate that a week ago thursday is an isolated incident with Toast, and I'm fortunate to have an outlet when these incidents happen.

Tight

It's just after seven, and I've just put Toast to bed. We are both exhausted. Today my sweet, laid back and happy boy had a very hard afternoon. I, of course, also had a hard afternoon. I'm struggling with my feelings right now...and I'm having a very very hard time.

It began after nap time. T woke up in a rotten mood and cried for about fifteen minutes. I tried to snack him, snuggle him, lay down with him in our bed, rock him, put him back in the crib for more sleep. He just wanted to whine and cry, alternately..together..separately...it didn't matter. He wanted to whine and cry.

So we got out of the house, went to the park then to a neighbor's for a little while...and it was lovely. The day is beautiful. Came home, ate dinner...then had more of the same...whine and cry. After dinner we went out to the deck, I was going to browse a book and I brought out toys for Toast. He came to my lap, grabbed a handful of clothing (I cannot tell you how this irritates me) and started to cry. It was 6:15. He did not stop for the next 45 minutes.

My chest, stomach, back, breath..all of it...are so tight right now I cannot relax. I am afraid if I start to cry I will not stop. There is nothing that brought on a tantrum. There is nothing wrong. There is nothing out of the ordinary. Apparently it's just an overload of emotions that had to be released.

When this happens, when Toby melts down...and it's not often...he likes to grab...he takes his fist and grabs handfuls of my clothing and pulls on it. It's uncomfortable and irritating. If it were an adult I would probably lose control and yell stop it. If it persisted, I would probably smack the person or walk away. Everyone has their trigger, and I didn't know this was mine...it irritates me beyond belief. BUT being the bigger, stronger, smarter one, I have to keep myself in check...and I do. But it's so hard sometimes to remind myself to be calm, distract, speak, soothe.

Toast is very very determined and stubborn. If he doesn't get his way, he screams and cries. I think this is common in toddlers, yes? If he wants to do something, and can't, he whines, or screams, or cries. If he is headed for something he's not supposed to do, and is blocked...the same. But what am I supposed to do when we are sitting on the deck on a lovely evening, and he will not play. If I get down to pay attention, he will play on his own. If I sit aways away to do something else, he will stop and come be near me, pull, whine. I try very very hard to remind myself that he is telling me something important...that he wants mom and needs my attention. But sometimes I just want a moment. Is it his age? It just sounds like I'm so selfish. I just read what I wrote and I'm so ashamed. But how do kids learn to be independant? I don't expect it now...but what is the line...when do I help and when do I not? When do I assert my right to sit and read a damn book for five minutes.

This parenting thing is so difficult. It's such a struggle. Am I the first mom who just needs a little break now and then? I cannot believe people do this on their own. I cannot believe that people undertake this job, willingly, alone.

Fun with Music

A few years ago, I wrote on my other blog about Tiny Man's playlist. Music is really important to me, and I made a playlist for each of the boys when they were born. I have added to Tiny Man's over the years, and plan to do the same with Toast's. Today I found a really cool feature on iTunes where you can publish your playlist. The iTunes store will then make that playlist available for one year so you can share it with family and friends. The only catch is that not everything on Toast's playlist is available, so I've put the whole thing below. The iTunes version can be found here.

Songs for Toby (song name; album name; artist name)
The Storms Are On The Ocean; Ollabelle; Ollabelle
You Got Growin' Up To Do; Simple Times; Joshua Radin
I Don't Know Why; Fat City; Shawn Colvin
Gypsy; Suzanne Vega
On a high; Daylight; Duncan Sheik
Love; The Story
Sunrise; Feels Like Home; Norah Jones
Ordinary Miracle; Charlotte's Web [2006 Score]; Sarah McLachlan
The One Who Knows; The Beauty Of The Rain; Dar Williams
Roots And Wings; Roots And Wings; Linda Hirschhorn with Vocolot
The Water is Wide; James Taylor
More Time; P.S. I Love You; Needtobreathe
Love will Come to you; Rites of Passage; Indigo Girls
Breathe; Faith hill
For You; John Denver
Pass On The Love; Spike & Co.: Do It A Capella; The Persuasions
When You Say Nothing At All; Allison Krauss
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams); Home; Dixie Chicks
On Children; Sweet Honey in the Rock
Everlong (Acoustic); The Color and the Shape ;Foo Fighters
Beautiful Boy; John Lennon
Lullaby For A Stormy Night; Waking Hour; Vienna Teng

Mr. Toast? My 14-month old who is not walking? That may not last long!

Toast is really ready to walk. He stands on his own...when no one is looking and when we aren't there to grab on to. He walks behind a push toy. He's really just waiting for his own time...when he is DARN GOOD AND READY to walk.

Tonight this happened.

He is so ready.

He's just cautious.

I really have a feeling that I'm in for it. He won't walk. He will run.

Fast.

Damn.

Sensitive new-age man

I lost my wedding ring last week. Yes, I panicked...looked high and low, etc etc. It was missing for a week and we found it yesterday, so balance is restored in my world. But that's not the story.

When I found my ring, I had been so worried about having lost it, I started to cry. I couldn't help it...I was so glad to have it back. Toast leaned out of hubby's arms, into mine, wrapped his little arms and legs around me and laid his head on my shoulder. "It's alright, mama," I could feel him thinking.

I just got off the phone with our hospice nurse...well, her voicemail. I"m trying to set up some visits to help us get through this month of anniversaries, and I had a few questions about the memorial service for all of the kids hospice served who left this earth in the past year. I couldn't get through the call without crying. Toast looked at me, so concerned, and when I picked him up...from a sea of toys that he had been decimating ten seconds before...he snuggled in and laid his head on my shoulder. "It's alright, mama."

I know, my man, I know.