Where Pregnancy meets Sleep Habits

You should know that I'm about 29 weeks pregnant.  That means that I'm more than halfway through the cook time of this here babe in my belly, and also that any minute the pregnancy is going to start to suck.  I'm really quite fond of being pregnant.  I mean, I don't want to be pregnant forever, but generally it agrees with me just fine.  I like it.  I like feeling the baby move, I like seeing my body grow...I feel good...it agrees with me.  Until about the very end, then it really makes me miserable.  Like most pregnant women, at the very end things get dicey.  I'm no longer comfortable.  It starts to dawn on me that, eventually, this baby has to be born (and logistically, that's a little frightening).  The belly stops being cute and starts inhibiting every. single. movement. I try to make.  In short, it starts to suck. 

I am well aware that this time is coming. 

I didn't think it would happen yet, and I didn't think that it would happen in ways that were different from previous pregnancies, but I may be wrong. 

In order to fully understand the following story, you need to also know that I wake up...well...slowly would be an understatement.  I'm not a "wakey wakey jump out of bed" kind of person.  It takes me a few minutes.  I'm generally quite confused upon waking, and I need to get my bearings. 

That's why, last night, I was completely certain I had swallowed a bug in my sleep. 

I woke up with a burning sensation in the back of my throat, and woke up COMPLETELY PANICKED.  Not only had a bug CRAWLED IN MY THROAT, I was really quite certain it was a black bug with neon spots on it.  It was also quite poisonous (why else would it burn?).  It had crawled in my throat while I was sleeping, and when I tried to swallow my muscles popped it, and it died and that's what made my throat burn. 

Did I mention I'm often confused upon waking?  And that I have a rather active imagination?

I related this whole story to Hubby, who woke up immediately from a dead sleep upon hearing my panicked gasp.  And do you know what he said? 

"Or, it's heartburn.  Go back to sleep."

Oh, yeah.  I"m pregnant.  Pregnant ladies sometimes have heartburn at night. 

Whew.  That's all...just....whew. 

22 weeks

22 weeks and the baby is doing great....and me too.  Ultrasounds show that we're having a boy (cue the My Three Sons theme), and that said boy is healthy and on target. 
We're having the Fetal Echocardiogram done today, simply because of history.  I had one done when pregnant with Toast as well; after Tiny Man's heart issues, it's a precaution.  Still, every test seems like a hurtle to be crossed.  I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter, that it is okay if something is wrong.  I think that in the back of my mind I will feel as if I'm not honoring Tiny Man's memory by wanting a healthy kid...seems silly, but that's it. 

More on results soon.  In the meantime I offer the standard lines: yes, it doesn't matter because this is our kid and we'll do what we need to do.  But yes, I want him to be healthy.  I think it shouldn't be this complicated. 

Songs

So you might say I have a wee obsession with music.  Of all kinds.  I do have favorites, and particular sounds that I enjoy most: classic rock, folk, bluegrass, singer songwriters.  But on any given day you might find me listening to the Clash just as much as I'll have on Iron and Wine, or Kenny Chesney, or Def Leppard....it just depends on how I feel. 

When I became pregnant with Tiny man, I had to make him a playlist.  In the old days, it would have been a mix tape, with each side carefully calculated for running time, mix of genres, tempos and message.  The type of music would be carefully analyzed so that there wasn't too much of each generation on there.  I think that playlists are easier.  We can now listen to a playlist in order, on shuffle, or easily move things around.  It gets easier to change your mind.  Toast has his own playlist, as well.  I really tried to not have too much  crossover between the two, and believe me when I tell you that was really hard. 

So now I'm pregnant with number three, and it's high time I started working on the playlist.  Here's what the other two have for theirs:

Tiny Man's playlist:
Baby Mine (Allison Krauss)
  Let it Be (The Beatles)
  You're the Love of My Life (Carly Simon)
  Close to you (the Carpenters)
  You're The Inspiration (Chicago)
Spend My Time (Clint Black)
  Longer (Dan Fogelburg)
The One Who Knows (Dar Willams)
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) (Dixie Chicks)
I'll Take Care Of You (Dixie Chicks)
Vincent (Don McLean)
Till The Rivers All Run Dry (Don Williams)
This Love Will Carry (Dougie MacLean)
Your Song (Elton John)
How Can I Keep From Singing? (Trad. this version by Enya)
Tears In Heaven (Eric Clapton)
Everlong (Acoustic) (Foo Fighters)
Wrapped Up in You (Garth Brooks)
Cats in the Cradle (Harry Chapin)
Fare Thee Well (Indigo Girls)
You're Beautiful (James Blunt)
Sweet baby James (James Taylor)
Time in a Bottle (Jim Croce)
For Baby, For Bobby (John Denver)
For You (John Denver)
Beautiful Boy (John Lennon)
You raise me up (Josh Groban)
Making Memories of Us (Keith Urban)
Roots And Wings (an obscure Jewish women's vocal group called Vocolot)
Ben (Michael Jackson)
Rainbow Connection (Kermit)
Wonder (Natalie Merchant)
I've Just Seen A Face ( Orig. by the Beatles, this version by The Paperboys)
Mother and Child Reunion (Paul Simon)
In your Eyes (Peter Gabriel)
You'll Be In My Heart (Phil Collins)
Nightswimming (REM)
Forever Young (Rod Stewart)
I Will Remember You (Sarah McLachlan)
Angel (Sarah McLachlan)
I Knew I Loved You (Savage Garden)
I Don't Know Why (Shawn Colvin)
By My Side (Godspell soundtrack)
On Children (Sweet Honey in the Rock)
Wait for Me (Tracy Chapman)
Beautiful Day (U2)
On Eagles Wings  (Trad.)

And here's Toast's: 
Sunrise (Norah Jones)
On Children
Lullaby For A Stormy Night (Vienna Teng)
More Time (Need to Breathe)
For You  (John Denver)
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) (Dixie Chicks)
Everlong (Acoustic) (Foo Fighters)
Roots And Wings
The One Who Knows  Dar Willams
Pass On The Love  (the Persuasions)
Love will Come to you (Indigo Girls)
Love (The Story)
The Storms Are On The Ocean (Ollabelle)
Gypsy (Suzanne Vega)
Ordinary Miracle (Sarah McLachlan)
I Don't Know Why (Shawn colvin)
On a high (Duncan Sheik)
Breathe (Faith Hill)
The Water is Wide (Trad, this ver. from the Lilith Fair Album)
When You Say Nothing At All (Allison Krauss)
You Got Growin' Up To Do (Joshua Radin)
Beautiful Boy (John Lennon)

So here's the deal: I have some songs in common between the two, and there are certain songs that will also be on this next playlist.  For You, by John Denver, for example, was also our wedding song, and it is one of the lovliest love songs I know.  That will be on there.  "I Don't Know Why" by Shawn Colvin seems like everything I want to say as a parent to my child, so that will also be on there.  There are also songs that are so specific to one or the other I cannot ever think of them in any other way.  "Let it Be" and "Wait for me" were played at Tiny Man's funeral.  I can't even listen to them all the way through.  And the line "For one so small you seem so strong" from "You'll be in my heart" is SO Tiny Man I'll never think of anyone else but him when I hear it.  Likewise "The One Who Knows" by Dar Willams is very uniquely a song about the relationship I have with my Toast, as is "The Water is Wide".  But I am in need of some new material. 

I don't know if all songs suggested will help me....the meaning behind why I chose each of these is deeply personal, especially Tiny Man's, which contains a healthy number of songs that I added after his death.  As Toast ages, more will be added, that I am sure of.  The only requirement I have is that I don't want "kid songs" on there.  No Elmo, no Wiggles.  I"m sure they have some remarkable songs, but that's not what I"m going for.  I'm thinking lullabyes and love songs. 

So what do you think?  I need some new music, folks. 

It's frustrating because it's no one's fault

Hubby was sick today. It's a saturday, the day I usually get to participate in tag team parenting, and maybe even get a bit of time to myself as he takes both of them (he's good at this, really...why are people always suprised when I say he's good at this?)

But today I had both kids, as I have the past five days, with the added worry of all of us getting sick (made worse by the fact that hubby refused to stay in bed). I CANNOT go another week...or two...or three with sick kid(s) as I have the past two weeks. I don't know how I managed to stay cool and not yell or set my hair on fire, but I did. My children are both in one piece, as is my husband.

I have to confront the fact that I am fairly depressed. I don't have baby blues, I think I am actually postpartum. I thought that I was bad after Tiny Man, and people kept telling me "oh, but you had so much else to deal with"....but this is also bad. If I could, I would stay in bed all day and cry. The only reason I don't is because my children cannot take care of themselves. I have days where I feel good. I start weight watchers, I blog, I clean the house, I engage in stimulating activities and play with Tiny Man while holding/shhing/cooing at Bruiser in my other arm. I think to myself "I can do this, I can stay at home and actually raise normal children and still like myself at the end of the day". Most days are not like this. Most days I watch the clock and wonder how I will make it through the rest of the hours until hubby comes home. Most days I dream of the weekend. I bargain for sleep on fridays when hubby gets home. I break down into tears when Tiny Man screams for the thousandth time. I sit on the couch during his nap, holding bruiser, staring at TV without knowing what is on.

I don't think this is sleep deprivation, although that is definately not helping me. I have a physical reaction to lack of sleep. I'm sure the typical "new parent" sleep is not making this better.

Several years ago I went through a very difficult time during a relationship and the ending of that relationship. I realized after I ended things and moved on that I had been quite depressed and not known or received help for it. I tried therapy at the time, and the therapist I saw kept pushing me to get involved in a singles group. Something to meet new people...she suggested several at a church. The whole experience just turned me off. I don't know if it didn't work out because I didn't click with the therapist, or because I wasn't honest with her, or because I wasn't as bad as I thought. At any rate, many of the same behaviors I had at that time have resurfaced...fatigue, excessive sleep (if I could get sleep I would all day...but I can't), withdrawl from friends, inability to concentrate, change in appetite (another aside...why can't I be one of those people who LOSES weight when sad?)

After I had Tiny Man I talked to my GP and told him I was down. He talked with me assured me it was normal, and wrote me a prescription. He said it wasn't surprising with everything going on. I never filled the scrip...I don't want to take drugs without seeing someone who can actually professionally evaluate me, though. I'm very scared of medicating myself for this. I'm scared of the side effects, long term effects, and not actually taking care of issues that may be causing me to feel this way.

I think mostly I keep expecting myself to snap out of it.

I know I need to get help, but I keep making excuses not to. I knew this would happen, I contacted a therapist when I was pregnant and didn't wind up going. Now I tell myself I can't get out at night. I can't even get out to buy a gallon of milk at night, how can I keep a therapy appointment? I tell myself that Hubby would sabotage any effort to keep an appointment, which is a load of crap. He would drive me there himself if he knew it would help me. I keep trying to shove this aside, thinking I will get better when I am not so tired, or when I can clean my house, or that I will feel better when all the toys are picked up or the laundry is done. Then all that happens and I still feel like throwing things. I keep myself busy all the time because I don't have to stop and look for something to do, or feel crappy, or think about all of this.

Hubby keeps asking me if I"m okay and I keep telling him I'm just so tired. I feel like if I start talking to him about this I will never be able to stop. I don't want him to worry about leaving me home in the day with the kids. I don't want him to feel sorry for me. All of these things are just more excuses to not confront what is really going on.

Like I said in the title of my last post, maybe if I write about this, I can't cheat. Maybe now I have to do something.

Toban Frederick (will be called Toby) born December 8, 2007, 3:30 pm.
We're home now, and though we're all tired (okay, hubby and I are tired), everyone is doing very very well. All is well and happy. T is growing like a weed already...the pediatrician's office showed a gain of nine ounces between discharge on monday and our visit on wednesday. Of course, scales are different...but the fact that he gained is the important thing. :)
Probably because he nurses every hour to hour and a half. But that's getting better. Oy.

We have a PLAN...

So saturday is my due date. I have been dilating since before thanksgiving, making the past few weeks difficult, at best. BUT...as of yesterday, there is a PLAN in place. A plan which was firmed up today by my doctor. I feel much better with a plan, it is the OCD in me.
The medical part of the plan consists of the following: I am "a good four" cm dilated, so more than four but not five. I am also effacing, but not 100% yet. My doc today stripped my membranes (not something I would like to have done on a regular basis, might I add). For 20-50% of women, this will stimulate labor to begin. If I do not go into labor this weekend, I have an NST and ultrasound scheduled on monday to monitor the baby. NST = non stress test = me sitting in a chair for a half an hour with an external fetal monitor on to track the baby's heartrate and activity in response to any contractions I have. I had so many of these with Ben I am a pro, so no worries there. The Ultrasound will measure fluid levels. Provided nothing is terribly wrong, and I still don't go into labor, I will be induced on Thursday morning. My doc thinks that breaking my water should do the trick, since my cervix is already cooperating.

More importantly, there is a mental health/emotional part of the plan. I wrote out a long rant yesterday about how sick and tired I am of being pregant, and everything that has happened in the past two weeks. Then I Emailed it off and let it go...literally. My focus now is on the baby. Not how pregnant I am, not what will happen...just having a nice healthy and happy baby. The best thing is, this is all working for me. I'm much more relaxed, and letting go and letting it be are really working very well. I plan on continuing this zen state indefinately.

Strangely, I have no anxiety whatsoever about labor and/or delivery. None. I mean, I knew when I got into this that the baby has to come out at some point...so what is the point of dreading it? This helps the "let it be" philosophy nicely. :)

We'll see how it goes over the next few hours/days. I'm going to spend lots of time puttering around the house and bouncing on the Yoga ball, hoping my water will break. :)

restless

I can't keep with a project to save my life...I"m still pregnant and really wanting to have the baby...but no baby appears. It just makes me restless and irritable. I'm not a patient person under the best of circumstances, but having my body completely taken over by the parasite, having reached the point where mentally I feel able but physically I am cumbersome...well, it's just very difficult for me. In the meantime, I'm doing a lot of deep breathing and trying to focus on the fact that I need to let this go, to let nature take it's course, and to relax and focus on getting lots of rest so that when I go into labor I am ready.

Also in the meantime, I'm trying to decide on a pattern. I have decided that this winter I'm going to cast on my first sweater. I"m hella excited, but I'm also very nervous...a sweater is a big investment...and all that measuring makes me nervous that I"ll mess up. Also, the only time that I knit things that turn out badly is when I swatch...so I"m scared that I'll make a nice little swatch, count all my stitches, and make a beautiful sweater...that doesn't fit. I've decided just to jump in and give it a whirl. Patterns I'm considering can be found in my queue on Ravelry. Did I mention I got called up for Ravelry? I have yet to do much...it's that whole lack of focus thing...oh, and the taking care of the tiny man, but eventually I'll get some projects posted and get on with things.

In the meantime, I have only 1/4 of a sock left for christmas knitting (pictures of those lovely projects soon...) so I'm going to go and get on with that. Well, that and baby watch.

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Now playing: Sarah McLachlan - The First Noel/Mary Mary
via FoxyTunes

My current obsessive worries

I worry. I just do it, I don't plan to, and it just happens. Sometimes I get so anxious about things it makes me sick...and this is NOT one of those time (thank god)..but I do have a current obsession that is driving me nuts.

So I have this kid, this Tiny Man kid. The miracle child. I don't think a child on this earth has been more loved or touched more people. Okay, I'm exaggerating, but not much. Tiny Man is amazing. His story and his life really have touched an amazing number of people. And because of who he is and where he is in life, he really requires more care than the average kid.

I'm so worried about this baby...I"m worried that they will grow up feeling like they don't measure up to T.M....that they don't get as much attention. Or, worse, that I will overcompensate and they will be completely unmanageable because I'll be trying too hard .... trying to make everything equal, to make the next kid feel just as wanted, to make them feel special. Or worse yet, that I will expect too much, because they are "the normal kid" and they will resent T.M. and me.

Every time I do this to myself (worry excessively), the logical part of my brain always has a say in what is going on. Right now it's telling me that I'm being ridiculous, that every parent goes through this to some degree, and their second kid turns out just fine. But I can't stop thinking about how I am going to raise this kid to be normal.
Every week my worries manifest in a new way. This week it's double-duty: We are getting the babies room ready (finally), and I"m trying to finish the playlist.

Tiny Man's room is exactly what I wanted it to be. We had it finished months before he came home. It has a beautiful mural on the wall from my favorite children's book (The Little Prince). The baby has a crib and a dresser. The dresser is currently being put together by hubby. That's it. There are no decorations, and there is still crap laying all over because I am too damn tired to move any of it. We did get some things moved to the basement this weekend. I'm tempted to just open a dumpster and pitch the rest of it. (I know there is a box of my old journals in there, though, and the thought of them being disposed of in any way save a very thorough burning is terrifying. ) That room is nowhere near being ready for a baby.

Will the baby care? No. Do I care? Hell yes. I feel like at thirteen, this kid will pitch a rebellious fit because their room wasn't what Tiny Man's was when they were infants.

The playlist (a list of songs that I make just for this baby, as I made one for Ben), is a big deal for no one but me. But to me, it is a big deal. Music is so very important to me, and Ben's playlist is so special. I just don't have a lot of music set aside for this baby yet...maybe it will come after he/she is born, after I meet the new kid. But right now it bothers me that...well, that I don't feel as emotional about this pregnancy as I did for Tiny Man. I just got so fiercely attached to him when I was pregnant with him...I know that some of it was how protective I already felt...all the bad news, I just wanted him to get here so badly. I'm excited about this baby, but it's all different. I've already been pregnant once, and this time things are so easy (thank god!).

Ugh. I wish I could stop obsessing over this and just enjoy the end of my pregnancy! I know I'm not the first mom to feel this way about her second kid, but it's almost like a betrayal, like this kid will know somehow that things are different. Blah.

We have movement, we have movement! The past week or so, I have been feeling little pokes and prods from the baby in the hut. (I now refer to my abdominal region as the "baby hut"). It is kind of cool, it feels totally different from when Tiny Man started moving around in there. Hubby gets a bit jealous, I think, because he can't feel anything going on yet, and I can; but he's handling it well. :) I'm still feeling well, though looking forward to my appointment next week...I need to have my thyroid retested. After having Tiny Man, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism (lazy thyroid, basically). I am starting to feel like I did before they found this out: tired all the time. It's not fatigue, it's more like chronic tired...I could sleep all day and not feel rested. I move through syrup all the time. Each task seems like I could never complete it and it would take everything I have just to start. I'm not like this, I enjoy being busy, so it's very frustrating to feel this way. I am on medication for the condition, but because my blood volume will grow so much while I'm pregnant, I knew I would have to be retested to make sure I am getting enough of the medication. The extra blood dilutes it, basically. I am looking forward to getting retested and hopefully feeling better soon. I have too much to do and not enough energy to do it.

Speaking of too much to do, hubby and I have been busy. When we moved into this house, there was one room that was wallpapered, and we knew that we would strip the paper and redo the room. We've been here three years, and we finally got around to it a few weeks ago...because of all of our jaunts lately, it's been getting done in bits and pieces. The paper stripping went more smoothly than I thought it would, and hubby did a great job on the painting. We have an old desk (it actually needs to be refinished, but it will be a job for later) that we intend to put in there as a changing table. Since we have a tri-level house, it's wise to have a "diaper base station" both upstairs and in our family room area downstairs. Besides, the desk is in the room that we need for the nursery.

Which brings me to the next point: we need to clean out that room. Right now it's a library/craft room. The biggest job will be moving all of our books downstairs. We plan on lining one wall of our family room with the bookshelves and moving the books. The hardest thing to do is to find a spot for all of my craft things. I"m not sure where they will go. There simply isn't enough storage for all of it, and I hate to have things out in plain sight. Besides, I use it all often, and I have to have it accessible to me, and yet be able to store it. Hubby and I are working how on this is going to happen. My beloved drafting table will have to be torn down, stored somewhere. I'm thinking I would like to sell it to buy a piece of furniture or something that will look attractive in our dining room and still store all of my craft materials. So much to think of. So much to think of. The good news is that the room is a very pretty color of sage green and we don't need to (nor do we want to) repaint it. It will look good for a boy or a girl.

I'm writing this while in another window I'm working my way through the pages of Interweave Knits "Hurt Book Sale". Deep discounts on books that don't look new. Busy server, though. It's taking a full minute or more for the pages to load. I think knitters really give teachers a run for their money as bargain hunters and sale-mongers.