off the cuff

I probably need to calm down before I write this, but if I can't vent to the blog, who's left? 

We have been lucky to have good insurance (disclaimer: this is NOT  post about health reform....I'm purposely staying away from that until I HAVE calmed down).   We were very very fortunate that with Tiny Man and all of his issues, despite some heated phone calls with insurance, we did not have to pay for much of his care.  I know I am one of the lucky ones, and I can assure you that when I count my blessings, health insurance is near the top.  Considering all we've been through, we've had a remarkably easy time. 

That having been said, there are some things that have irritated me to no end.  A few months after Tiny man was born we recieved a bill from Children's Hospital for some of his care.  I knew it should be covered, but there were some issues since we had switched insurances from mine to Hubby's (when I decided to stay home my benefits were suspended, as I was "on leave" for two years).  It took SIX MONTHS and I don't know how many phone calls to insurance and to Detroit to sort it all out.  It wound up okay.

When we started therapy at a private clinic to help Tiny Man develop properly (Physical Therapy and Occupational therapy is common in children with Down syndrome), there were so many loopholes it made my head spin.  Do you know that most insurances will not pay for Physical Therapy for children with Down syndrome, because DS is incurable?  Therefor, they think they'll be paying for life (more $$ out of their pocket).  This even though therapy is PROVEN to help children with DS lead normal lives, and many will not need it after ages three or four.  Anyway, there was some careful tracking, careful wording on prescriptions, and careful careful evaluation speech to make it happen.  Could we have paid for it out of pocket?  Not as much as he needed, we couldn't. 

Since Tiny man passed, we've been receiving Explanation of Benefit statements from our insurance saying that things were paid or not paid.  We've received several saying that they did not pay hospice for the last two days of Tiny Man's life. 

Let me amend that.  It wasn't really two days.  It was EIGHTEEN HOURS.  Six pm on 2/13/08 to twelve oh six pm on 2/14/08.  Eighteen hours and six minutes. 

I guess hospice got sick of arguing with them, because today we got a bill. 

I don't blame hospice.  It isn't an astronomical amount of money.  It's less than we spent on Christmas gifts.  We can pay it, thankfully.  They do good work and they should be paid. 

But I"m angry. 

I'm just angry at a system that is charging me for what is very obviously the last eighteen hours of my child's life.  Any person could look through the billing history at the insurance company and figure out what's going on.  But they won't.  They haven't.  They just said no. 

I'm so angry, and part of me doesn't know who to be angry at. 

If I tell you about it, I can't cheat.

I find myself prioritizing the stuff I want to blog about because I never know how much time I have before the kids wake up. This way I jot down what is on my mind, and can always blog about it later.
Today:
I am starting weight watchers again today. I am pretty pleased with the fact that I have lost the baby weight (thanks, breastfeeding!) plus most of the weight I did not lose after having tiny man. My main concern is returning to a normal eating routine. After tiny man was born, the stress and depression surrounding his medical issues, his birth, leaving my job, issues with friends...all of it went in my mouth. I've always been a stress/boredom eater. Now that I am at home all day, I find myself snacking every time I am bored, or when things get rough (tiny man has taken to screaming all the time...more on that later). So I have three main goals in doing this program: 1. monitoring what I eat and my portion size. If I don't start doing this, I will gain weight because I eat unconsciously. 2. Find other ways to deal with my boredom. I can' knit during the day because the kids are too demanding. We can't go outside now because it is too cold and snowy...so for now I have to find other ways to deal with boredom or stress. 3. I need to be able to monitor my hunger...am I hungry or am I bored. How hungry am I? I think if I can do these things my weight will naturally fall into place and I will feel better. Yes, I will probably lose some weight and that would be great, but dieting to lose the weight is not what I need. I need to change habits, and I think I will feel better and look better after doing it.
When I did weight watchers several years ago, I did change my habits, and I lost a lot of weight too. I felt great and had so much energy...then I got married, lost a pregnancy, had Tiny Man and now Bruiser. My life has changed so drastically and there has been a lot of stress. I just need to return to good eating habits. I'm going to try doing the program on my own for a few weeks and see how effective that is. If it does not work I'll know I need the community portion and I will pay to join up, Probably online.
I hate being obsessive about my weight. When I lost weight before, I found that watching what I ate and establishing good habits made me less obsessive. I wasn't skinny, but I didn't care because I felt good and ate good food. That's all I really want. I have always had a poor body image, and it is made worse when I know I'm not doing good things for myself. I hope that this changes for the better.

a few thoughts

Suddenly, this christmas, This is trendy....I've always thought this Christmas song was underrated.

I find myself more in the christmas spirit this year than in most of the past four or five. Maybe it's all the newness in my life. Maybe it's because I have spent more time at home and less time out dealing with people. I have been dreading hubby going back to work on wednesday, but it's becoming clear to me that it's less because I am afraid of being with both kids alone and more because I like having him home and around so much. Yeah, I know...awwww..but that's not it. I just like not being alone during the day.

I left the house for the first time in two weeks the other day, and was anxious and panicky the whole time...traffic, crowds, getting stuff done and getting home all made me want to throw up. It's been a long time since I've felt that way. It reminded me that even though I'm better -- postpartum -- than I was with Ben, I'm still dealing with a lot of crap that I try and ignore. Not big issues, just anxiety and panic and general sadness that I cannot explain. Must take care of this.