What's the meaning of this?

What does it mean to forgive someone who is not a part of your life?  I mean....not the guy that cuts you off in traffic or the rude person in the grocery store line...I mean someone who has done a personal wrong to you.  Someone who knew you so well as to use your insecurities against you in an argument, disagreement, or complete destruction of a relationship.  I don't feel the need to re-establish a relationship with this friend.  In fact, I think that my life has grown significantly since we ended our friendship...I"m not the same person.  I'm sure she isn't either.  Forgiving seems sticky, though. 

I'm not sure I can forgive without contacting her.  In some ways, this seems silly...I'm concerned with matters of my own well being here, so maybe there is no need to make contact.  I wonder how "real" it will seem to forgive someone when I'm doing it for myself?  Maybe this is another issue at the root of the problem; I have trouble forgiving because it comes down to the last word thing.  I don't want to contact her.  In order to forgive her, though, I need to get over the need to get the last word.  I need to remember that having  the last word is not the point.  Moving on is the point.  Letting go of the hurt is the point.  Last word will get me nowhere.

___

In other news, we have indeed entered the month of suck...full force, as it were.  This year the anniversary of Tiny Man's death seems a little easier.  I still miss him.  I still hate that this is an anniversary I would rather not deal with.  I can't help, though, but be aware of how amazing my life is, and how much of that is due to his presence...as short as it was.  I have amazing friends...a totally new circle of friends that are genuine, true...people I can count on.  People that are willing to count on me.  I have old friends that are comfortable, and new ones I'm so fortunate to have found.  The new ones are a direct result of Tiny Man...they all have children with Down syndrome and I would have never met them if it weren't for my involvement in the DS community.  They show me that friendship doesn't have to be hard, and it doesn't have to be dramatic.  They have shown me that friendships don't have to be old to be good.  They have shown me I am lucky.  They have shown me that people don't have to be identical to  like each other, care about each other, and be good friends...in fact it's more interesting when you're a little different.  They miss Tiny Man too, and that is an enormous comfort.  My old friends, the ones I've always known...they are checking up on me...reminding me they care.  I'm lucky indeed. 

This year I've chosen to try and remember Tiny Man positively.  I'm remembering the good things, trying to do little things to spread the word and raise awareness for Down syndrome.  It's still hard.  It still hurts.  There hasn't been a day this week I haven't cried.  I'm sure it will get harder.  He is so missed.  He taught us so much. 

A convergance of Green

Sometimes the world just slaps you upside the head and says "hey! Have you thought about this lately?" Today was just such a day.

Day started with a call from a dear friend during breakfast. I met dear friend when we were 15 (!) at a Girl Scout camp in Germany....Long story short we were part of a 12-girl, 2-leader team from the US selected to represent our country at an arts camp in Bavaria. The trip included living with German Scouting families, sightseeing (including Prague...while it was still communist), and a two week camp where 20 countries (or so, she'll correct me if that's wrong) and over 5,000 scouts (of all sexes, nationalities and ages) gathered. It was, hands down, one of the most incredible experiences in my life. Said friend, and another friend...I'll use their Livejournal names Purlewe and HunterMHolstein for purposes of this post....we've been friends forever. There were entire years and stretches of years where we didn't talk, lost touch, then one day I'll pick up the phone and someone will be in the middle of a conversation that was interrupted five years ago...and we just pick up where we left off. There is one other person in this world who I have been friends with longer, we met because we had the same socks at Girl Scout camp when we were five. FIVE! We stood up in each other's weddings...we meet and have playdates with our kids...I call her mom "mom"... These three people (plus two others...) make up my "mafia of five"...the people I could call to help me move a body. Three of these five were brought into my life because of scouting. I love them so fiercely they might as well be family. They are family...

So then I was out a'drivin and talking to another friend, who happens to be a co-leader of her daughter's Girl Scout troop, and we had a long converstion about Scouting and how the leaders make the experience, and how wonderful it can be.

Then I come home and check my Email. A scouting friend from LONG ago...someone who was one of my leaders at day camp when I was Jr. Counselor...she's found me on Facebook. Wonderful! This is one of those times when I"m glad to be on FB...and so happy that people can find me.

And it strikes me that yesterday was Thinking Day, and that Purlewe and I were talking about that this morning.

For those of you who don't know what that is, I'll quote from the Girl Scout website: "World Thinking Day not only gives girls a chance to celebrate international friendships, but it is also a reminder that Girl Scouts of the USA is part of a global community—one of nearly 150 countries with Girl Guides and Girl Scouts." For me, scouting has been all about community and friendship, and this year I really started to ponder this. When I was a kid ( and now, too, naturally ) I was absolutely blessed to have what I believe to be the best parents ever. They are really really good people. But I also had this incredible community of adults who were interested in me and in my life...many of them were Scout leaders. Some were men, some were women, but they were all devoted to making the lives of girls better. I'm sure they didn't think about it this way at the time, or maybe they did, but they were dedicated to teaching us that we were strong, capable, and able to do what we wanted for ourselves. I have wonderful memories of my leader letting us use power tools to do woodworking in his basement and garage, just because we wanted to...and being so very very patient with us. My Girl Scout leaders during Jr. High and High School were a husband and wife team who did a lot for our community. I don't think they let men be leaders now, but Mr. H. was a big influence on me and a wonderful person.

My community now is still made of people who I met through scouting. As I mentioned, my circle consists of important people that I met here...they are the ones who drop everything when I need it (and as the past year will attest, sometimes I really need it). And I will do the same for them.

So this year I'm thinking, I'm thankful and I owe so much to this organization. It was not always "cool" to be a Scout....I was definitely under the radar for many years in High School. But I never quit, because I had people dedicated to making that experience wonderful. I'm so very thankful for the person they helped me become.

Happy Thinking Day, everyone!

Let's get going already

As the time for the baby closes in on me, I find myself in that old familiar place of the last few weeks of pregnancy. I'm unable to sit to any task. I'm irritable. If you haven't been pregnant, I don't think it's easy to understand this. I mean, people talk about "the nesting instinct" as if it's this cute little thing that pregnant women do...you know, we clean and cook up a storm because our dear little swollen hearts are turning toward our home and family as the baby's birthdate grows near. People, I am here to tell you that it is nothing like that. I nest because I hate leaving my house, because I hate to walk, because I am lazy. And if I am merely sitting on my couch, I cannot help but see all the things around my house which I usually do in a single day and cannot do in less than four hours because of the sheer effort of moving. But there I am, hoisting myself up off the couch and doing them anyway. Then flopping, exhausted, back on the couch after sweeping, mopping, sponging, cooking, carrying, etc. etc. So it's no small wonder I'm all irritable and tired, I'm trying to make a person and be Martha Stewart all at once. And we all know that it's no use trying to be MS....

In other news, I finally got called to the front of the queue for Ravelry, and I'm excited about it. I've been puttering around there this past week, trying to decide exactly what I want to do and what is offered. I haven't even begun to explore the pattern pages, and I am a notorious lurker at forums of any sort, but I'm enjoying lurking around. I'll probably spend some time taking pictures first, get all that organized on Flickr, then start putting all that in. My stash is pretty small, but I'm still not thrilled about archiving it. Deciding what to do with all of it will be easier once I have it recorded, though. Since I'm a knitter on a budget, I'm a big fan of knitting from stash, or purchasing just what I need for a project. I know, it's crazy, but it's just what I do.

I've started the book "Eat, Pray, Love" and I'm really really enjoying it. I wasn't sure about this book, to tell the truth, but I have really been changed by some of the passages in it. I got it from the library and I'll need to go out and buy my own copy. I enjoy the author's views on god, the divine, and how she doesn't take it too seriously...I just finished a passage on forgiveness last night that was fairly profound for me. I have a few people in my life that I really need to move on from (unhealthy friendships that continue to be toxic even though they are over). I am NOT good at letting go...not in any way. The idea of forgiving someone, of having that last conversation with them even though they might not be present for it, of letting go being something that we are responsible for ourselves. The idea that we don't have to "settle" everything or have agreement/peace/harmony to end a friendship...it seems so simple, but here I sit a living example of someone who does not function that way. I am looking forward to some deep thinking about this, and some moving on in my future.

Peace at last

I went out last night with some moms from the Down Syndrome support group. Once a month they have a mom's night out where we go to dinner or some such thing. I really enjoy them. Mostly it gets me out and meeting new people, which for some reason I have more trouble with than I want to admit.

As a follow up to that loaded comment, I am thinking today about friendships. I'm just bad at meeting people, and I tend to be even worse about keeping friends. It's not that I'm mean or anti-social or anything like that, I just have these weird hang ups that make it difficult. I don't think that a person my age should have these problems, but there you go. I hate calling people because I don't like talking on the phone. I worry about inviting people over to my house because I think it's always too messy (since I'm fairy anal retentive, this is rarely the case, but I can't seem to convince myself of it). I love to talk to people, but I hate small talk and I'm very very bad at it. I would rather just have a good conversation, and sometimes it's hard to start one. I enjoy Email, but I refuse to be one of those people whose entire social circle exists on the internet. I like to have a healthy balance of friends online and real people that I see.

I think that some of this was made worse by the end of my final year of teaching a year ago. I had a very large, very ugly falling out with someone who had been a dear friend of mine for a long time. It wasn't sudden, it had been coming for awhile, and when it comes right down to it, it was really no one's fault. We had just gotten on each other's last nerve for too long. But during the course of this disaster, she said some things that really preyed on some very deep insecurities I have about who I am and the kind of friend I am. So it sent me into a spiral during the time I really didn't need to be there: when I was leaving work and my main support group of friends. "Here...let me tell you what a bad friend you are, then you go off into the world and try to make friends outside of the workplace you've been at for nine years". It hasn't been pretty. I am very lucky that I have a few friends that have been in my life for years and years, some who will just always be there, and that has made the transition easier.

I think that on the whole, I've been doing well outside my comfort zone. I have meet new friends. I have managed, somewhat, to keep those friendships going. The hardest part is when I realize I haven't called someone in months, and I get all worried that they are going to think I"m a horrible person. I feel like I have to constantly apologize for not calling. Then I remind myself to calm down, because they haven't called me either. Then I wonder if I"m a pest. I'm very slowly working on getting over this, because it is really quite stupid. It feels like middle school all over again (and that was not a thrilling time in my life!)

I think that staying home has been very very good for me because I am meeting people and hanging out with them not because I am with them every day in a work environment and can tolerate them, but because I have things in common with them and we want to be around each other. It's helping me work through some of this social anxiety that resurfaced after having all of my insecurities thrown in my face. I never realized that adults had some of the same issues making friends as kids do. :)