What does it mean to forgive someone who is not a part of your life? I mean....not the guy that cuts you off in traffic or the rude person in the grocery store line...I mean someone who has done a personal wrong to you. Someone who knew you so well as to use your insecurities against you in an argument, disagreement, or complete destruction of a relationship. I don't feel the need to re-establish a relationship with this friend. In fact, I think that my life has grown significantly since we ended our friendship...I"m not the same person. I'm sure she isn't either. Forgiving seems sticky, though.
I'm not sure I can forgive without contacting her. In some ways, this seems silly...I'm concerned with matters of my own well being here, so maybe there is no need to make contact. I wonder how "real" it will seem to forgive someone when I'm doing it for myself? Maybe this is another issue at the root of the problem; I have trouble forgiving because it comes down to the last word thing. I don't want to contact her. In order to forgive her, though, I need to get over the need to get the last word. I need to remember that having the last word is not the point. Moving on is the point. Letting go of the hurt is the point. Last word will get me nowhere.
In other news, we have indeed entered the month of suck...full force, as it were. This year the anniversary of Tiny Man's death seems a little easier. I still miss him. I still hate that this is an anniversary I would rather not deal with. I can't help, though, but be aware of how amazing my life is, and how much of that is due to his presence...as short as it was. I have amazing friends...a totally new circle of friends that are genuine, true...people I can count on. People that are willing to count on me. I have old friends that are comfortable, and new ones I'm so fortunate to have found. The new ones are a direct result of Tiny Man...they all have children with Down syndrome and I would have never met them if it weren't for my involvement in the DS community. They show me that friendship doesn't have to be hard, and it doesn't have to be dramatic. They have shown me that friendships don't have to be old to be good. They have shown me I am lucky. They have shown me that people don't have to be identical to like each other, care about each other, and be good friends...in fact it's more interesting when you're a little different. They miss Tiny Man too, and that is an enormous comfort. My old friends, the ones I've always known...they are checking up on me...reminding me they care. I'm lucky indeed.
This year I've chosen to try and remember Tiny Man positively. I'm remembering the good things, trying to do little things to spread the word and raise awareness for Down syndrome. It's still hard. It still hurts. There hasn't been a day this week I haven't cried. I'm sure it will get harder. He is so missed. He taught us so much.