It's not that it's all that hard to forgive, right? I mean, we do it a hundred times a day without thinking of it. My son dumps some eggs on the floor, I take a deep breath and we clean it up together. Sure, I'm annoyed, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter, right? Or someone cuts you off in traffic. You get angry, you get frustrated, you get over it.
For me, the issue with forgiveness really takes two forms. The first is it is hard to forgive when I feel I have been wronged and the other person won't take responsibility for it. The second is when an argument or incident is my fault, and leads to both of us being unfair, I feel bad and I have a hard time admitting I'm wrong. Both of these apply to my current situation.
See, I'm a last word girl. I like to be witty and clever. I have a burning sarcastic streak. Sometimes this works out well for me: being a last word person means that I like to communicate. I pride myself on being able to talk to different kinds of people about different kinds of things. Being a last word girl has its drawbacks, though, when you have been "wronged" (either in your perception or for real).
There are still things that are unresolved between my friend and I. There were things said in the argument and the subsequent back and forth on email (I know, I know....but it happened...so I'm owning it) that were hurtful. I was responsible for some of that hurt. So was she. It bothers me that I probably won't get an apology, ever. It bothers me that she probably doesn't think she did anything wrong. And it bothers me that even if I am willing to apologise for the way I hurt her, I won't get what I want out of it.
THIS....this is the crux of the issue.
What do I want? I want her to apologize. What do I need to do? Apologize for my own actions, and then MOVE ON. Whether I get an apology or not. MOVE ON. Put her down. Stop trying to be right. I need to apologize to make myself feel like I have mended the wrongs I did. I need to apologize with no expectation of getting an apology back. This is what has held me back for so long...I feel like I deserve something that I'm not getting...an apology. Some kind of admission of guilt from her. I want to know she feels bad.
Here's the thing though: I don't have any of that now. So if I don't get it when I apologize, I'm no better or worse off that I am now. So why not just go ahead and do it? I'll at least know that I have done my part, and I can move on to forgiving her and myself and live my life.
That wanting the last word thing, though? That's a powerful thing. It's not a great thing to admit about myself, but it's there. And I know that it's ridiculous. And I know it's getting in the way of my forgiving her.
Working on letting go. Working on putting her down. I'm working.