I had a friend ask me today how I was doing at this time of the year, seeing as Tiny Man's anniversary and his birthday are approaching at an alarming rate. This is what I told her:
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To be totally honest with you, I don't know. I really don't.
Christmas this year was REALLY hard. Like, every year Christmas gets harder and I can't make it better. The anniversaries were always hard, but I didn't expect Christmas to be as hard as it is. I have a lot of trouble being "in the spirit" when I spend so much time wishing he was with me.
This is the first year that his birthday and his anniversary will fall in the middle of the week (Tuesdays, to be exact). Sometimes I wish they weren't so close together. Sometimes I'm so thankful they are I want to fall on my knees. I feel like I'm allowed a breakdown once a year, then I get up and move on.
I have come to realize that for some people the grief of losing someone evolves. I think most of our family is like that. They still think of him (I hope), and we still talk about him (my parents and I do, anyway). I can still talk about him with my friends, and they are just so awesome at helping me remember. For me, though, the grief doesn't change. It Ebbs and flows, sometimes it's barely there, and I'm thinking of all the good things and laughing. Sometimes I feel like he died five minutes ago and I'm still leaning over him keening in agony. There is "in-between" but there is no relief.
I'm able to keep this hidden, the fact that sometimes I'm still in so much pain. I know it shouldn't matter what others think, but as time goes on I share my story less and less....it's so tiring to explain, so try and make people understand, to share these last little bits I have left. And I want to share and I feel like no one is listening. And I'm talking to much and making them uncomfortable.
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This year it will be four years. I'm still waiting for February to not hold such weight, such significance in my life. I create rituals that help me get through. I find myself looking at the valentine crafts on blogs and Pinterest, trying to break out of this sinking feeling I have about February. In the end, I just give in and let it overtake me. I'm not sure when it gets easier, but it must. It must, right?
4 comments:
Hi, Kym! I just stopped by after posting little Ben's picture on the Pinterest board. I read this post and thought, "I can relate to that." It's been 3-1/2 years since our daughter died, and we have three other children that keep me totally preoccupied. I sometimes find myself forgetting that we've lived through tragedy...and then feel completely bowled over by the feelings of sadness forgetting and remembering brings. While I get lots of compliments from people on my supposed strength, they just see the surface. There are still things that make my heart ache. I handle Christmas fine, but transitions continue to be difficult for me. Putting away decorations for ANY holiday tears me apart--it's almost like I feel as if I'm leaving something behind that I can't get back, and the act of putting those ornaments is a physical reminder of that.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your feelings and reminding me that my feelings are normal.
I"m so fortunate to have so many friends who really help me out....but I just think that it's always going to be hard to understand exactly what it's like. :) Our feelings are normal. :)
Hi, I saw Ben's story on Pinterest and I feel led to tell you how it found a special place in my heart. God has given me a heart to love kiddos who have special needs. I am currently going to nursing school so that I can help take care of kids who have needs. Anyways, I was reading some of the old blog post you had about Ben's first day's of life. Then I skipped to the end of his life and read those. What a beautiful journey it was. God is so good. I hope this doesn't sounds creepy, but I wish I would of had the chance to meet Ben. I await the day that I do get to meet him in the presence of our Savior. What a strong little boy he was. Praying for strength for you and your family as you approach the anniversary of his birth and death.
Just dropping by. I had stopped since you hadn't written.. was so excited to see you had several posts for me to "catch up" I lover reading you and I hope you continue. (I also hope I continue blogging.. but it is silly how "hard" it is) I miss you and I love you and I've had you in my thoughts all month.
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