Wednesday, February 13, 2008


It really shouldn't be this hard to get help. After my last post I did look into getting some help, and that is an ongoing process. I found a therapist in my area, and we talked on the phone. Seems he is an analyst, and his specialty is not in supportive therapy. He did give me numbers for a couple other people in his practice, and I've been in contact with one of them who does not take my insurance. So I"ll call another today. I just feel so frustrated, like it shouldn't be this hard to find someone to help me! What do they do with people who are suicidal, say that they don't specialize in suicide? Agh!

Hubby is well, but both kids are sick now. Listening to Bruiser's little cough at night just kills me....he has this horribly hacky congested cough, and of course there is very little to be done about it. I think the pediatrician's office should just set up an automatic recording: "Unless your child has a fever, elevate their crib, use saline nasal drops, and a cool mist vaporizer at night". Tiny man is back on the nebulizer. Trying to keep his nose clear with the drops and snot sucker is like wrestling with an octopus. Last night I did it at one in the morning because he was whimpering and couldn't breathe. It kills me, it really does, but at the same time I am so frustrated because I"m not sleeping AGAIN since they both got sick at about the time Bruiser started sleeping all night.

I'm really trying to let people know that I am not doing well and that I need help, but that is just so incredibly hard. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, and no one wants to listen to me whine. I feel like they are my kids and I should just get through this because everyone deals with it at some's the fact that the fatigue and sleeplessness and sickness come with this paralyzing sadness and apathy that is just killing me. I feel incapable of dealing with more than one task at a time, and that includes the kids. I can't multitask at all...and my life is a series of multitasks. I feel thankful that I don't feel any anger towards the boys...that I don't feel like hurting them or myself. I DO however, feel like throwing breakable things in my kitchen and screaming a lot. I can't do any of this, so I"m trying to look for other outlets.

Another unfortunate effect of what I'm dealing with is that I am completely incapable of figuring out what to DO with myself. I get a half hour of free time when they both nap, and I wonder where it went. I have a million things I should do, a million things I want to do, and I wander around the house drinking coffee and straightening things. At the end of the day I feel so unaccomplished. I can't be still, even at night after Tiny man goes to bed and hubby has bruiser....I can't stand to watch TV, I can't focus on the simplest of knitting, I can't even read...and I read a lot. I used to read before bed every night...I have always been a big reader. I can't focus on the simplest or shortest of things.

So I"m still trying...I am, but it gets more difficult each day.

1 comment:

purlewe said...

I am holding you in my heart.